A Conversation Between Cocaine and Heroin – Two Controlled Substances I Know Very Little About

White powder (L), white horse (R)

Cocaine: Let’s do this! Let’s fucking do this thing!

Heroin: Whoa, chill out, man.

Cocaine: I’m just psyched. I feel fucking great. Fucking awesome and great and I want to fucking do this thing. Now. Now! Now!!!

Heroin: Listen, I feel great too. Relaxed, comfortable, fucking euphoric. But we need to take it easy.

Cocaine: I want to go out and fucking party with my friends. I want to fucking party with Paris and Lindsay and Sheen and McHale.

Heroin: McHale?

Cocaine: Joel McHale. From Community. Chevy introduced us a few weeks back. Good guy. Good energy. And funny as fuck.

Heroin: Oh yeah, I met that guy once. Andy Dick made the intro.

Cocaine: No! No man. No! Fuck that guy. Don’t bring that fucking guy’s name up around me. That guy is bad news. Bad fucking news. He put me in some fucked up places! I’m not going there again. I’m not going to those places again.

Heroin: Oh, he put you in some bad places. Did you go into the vein in his dick?



Cocaine: Enough. Enough, enough, enough. No more talking. Doing! Let’s do some fucking doing! Let’s do. Let’s go out and do!

Heroin: I kind of just want to chill here for a little. Just sort of take it easy and breezy. Why don’t you call up Ecstasy? That guy is always up to go fucking crazy.

Cocaine: I’m not spending the night with fucking kids wearing little backpacks and their fucking glow sticks and that fucking house music. I want to kill myself. No way man. Not calling X. No fucking way. I call him, I might as well call up Meth.

Heroin: Don’t be classist, man. Not cool.

Cocaine: Fuck classist. You know what’s not cool? What’s not cool is talking to me like I’m fucking Crack. I’m not crack, man! I’m fucking pure. I’m the fucking driven snow, bro.

[The phone rings. Heroin answers. He listens and hangs up.]

Heroin: That was the Olsen twins. They need us both over there.

Cocaine: Fuck yeah! The fucking twins always come through. Let’s do this thing. Let’s fucking do this shit now!

[Heroin and Cocaine head over to the Olsen twins’s place. Later that night, Heroin gets fidgety and he and Cocaine come up with a plan to steal the Olsen twins’s VCR. The plan does not work as the Twins do not have a VCR in their home.]


To learn more about these substances, please refer to the piece Street Names for the Drugs Your Kids Are Taking in issue #1 of Whim Quarterly. Order a copy here.