I General Social Data
Your name? Wife’s given and maiden name? Husband’s given name? Full names of children? Names of all other members of the household, and their relation to you? I have a question for you, “Whim.” Why are you so interested in myself and my wife? Are you looking to start some sort of freaky three-way? Are you some sort of pervert who wants to insert his/her/ ungendered magazine-self between our blessed bodily union? Are you? Because if you are, we’d be totally into that. Sure, your fixation on our children is a bit creepy, but since we don’t have any children, I’m willing to overlook it. At least for now. Afterward, when I’m wracked with guilt over the physical act we just consummated, I’ll need some sort of scapegoat, and will undoubtedly call Chris Hansen on you.

II Physical and Mental Conditions
Is the importance of regular sleep, bathing, care of the teeth, and regular action of the bowels appreciated? Appreciated but not required. We leave it up to the customer’s discretion.

III Industrial History
What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? The speed, accuracy, and regularity of my lack of sobriety was legendary.

IV Education
What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training? I graduated from the school of hard knocks. What do you think of THAT, ivory tower comedy magazine? My writing has appeared via the airwaves on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, NPR’s Morning Edition, and Seattle public radio’s Rewind. It has appeared via the Internetwaves* at Modern Humorist and Gawker and through my bad-movie podcast The Flop House and my webseries 9 AM Meeting. You may have seen me via the stagewaves* in Mr. Whitepants’ Comedy Hour, Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, or The Primetime Kalan. Finally I last appeared in printwaves* as a regular contributor to NYC’s late, lamented humor magazine, Jest. I sincerely hope this magazine survives longer than that one. (*These are not words.)