A Conversation Between Mario and Luigi – Two Video Game Characters I Know Very Little About

Mario Salvatore Barbagelata Mario (L), Luigi Giovanni Pelagatti Mario (R)

Mario: Brother, I-a know I used to complain about-a snaking a-toilets, but don’t you sort of-a miss it sometimes?

Luigi: Mario, I-a know what you’re a-saying, but that is not who-a we are anymore.

Mario: It just seems like-a all we do is fight-a this dragon turtle and his-a mushroom men and a-turtles and his-a sword-throwing monkeys.

Luigi: We need-a to save-a the princess. The dragon is-a guarding her.

Mario: But why do we even a-know a princess? We are-a just plumbers.

[Luigi ingests a flashing star bouncing towards him and begins to speak quickly.]

Luigi: I-a do not-a know why we-a know a princess. I-a like the princess. I think-a she’s-a pretty. Is-a Koopa a dragon or a frog? He-a has a shell, but he-a also a-breathes the fire.

[Luigi slows down and begins speaking normally. His leg shakes gently, a withdrawal symptom from the star.]

Mario: I-a know we need to save-a the princess, but why all of the coins. When did it become-a all about the money?

Luigi: I-a need to find another star. We-a need to hit all of the-a question marks. I fucking-a need-a to find another-a star. Do you-a have a star? I have-a shrooms, I can give you-a shrooms, but I need another-a fucking star. I-a need to get back to that-a fucking warp zone.

Mario: I-a just ate a shroom a minute ago. This is-a why I am-a so big right now.

[Luigi approaches a turtle walking towards him.]

Luigi: I’ll-a suck your dick-a for a star, yes? I make you-a come out of your-a shell.

[Mario jumps on the turtle’s head and sends him onto his back.]

Mario: No, brother, you-a can’t keep-a doing this. Why are you-a doing this?

[Luigi violently scratches at a scab on his neck, and looks around above him, convinced he sees stars. He starts to jump towards them, but there are no stars to be had.]

Luigi: Ask-a me more a-questions. I need-a the question marks. Ask me some-a fucking questions. I just-a need some fucking question marks.