Hi, I’m Dr. Health. What’s that you say? Women can’t be doctors? Next you’re going to tell me men can’t be mothers. And I think we’ve all seen the documentary film Junior, so… there you go.
To the questions!
Whenever I play tennis, I begin to feel a crushing pain in my elbow. Is there any treatment you recommend? Or, better yet, something preventative I can do?
-Riley Cavanaugh, Cheyenne, Wyo.
You say your arm hurts when you play tennis? Well, how’s this for a solution: Stop playing tennis! Duh!
Real talk: How many alcoholic drinks can I have in a week? I’m a 43-year-old man with a clean bill of health, but lately I’ve started to wonder if I’m overdoing it.
-Jim Niles, Florence, Ala.
Frankly, I don’t know. But can you tell me what kind of batteries should go in this flashlight-radio thingamabob? It’s kind of urgent.
Dr. “Health”: It has come to our attention that you are representing yourself as a doctor of medicine, despite earning a doctorate in philosophy from our school. We’d like you to stop misrepresenting us in this fashion, as it has been very hard for us to establish our reputation.
-Big Bill, Big Bill’s Hegelian Correspondence School of Philosophy
Big Bill! How’s it hangin’?! Remember that time when I seduced your wife at that correspondence toga party?
Anyway, can you send 9V batteries? Again, it’s urgent.
My husband and I really want to have kids. But I’m 35, and at a delicate place in my career. How much longer can I wait? And are fertility drugs safe?
-Rachel Thomsen, Beacon, NY
Rachel? It’s been years, dude! How the heck are ya? Anyway! So your husband’s having trouble knocking you up? Simple: I say step out with a real man, and just don’t say anything when you’re preggers. (Just make sure the dudes are matched, racially speaking, obvs.)
Anyway: Can you call my sister and ask her to bring me some 9V batteries? It’s VERY URGENT.
Dr. Health: We have surrounded your sister’s house, cut off the telephone lines, and turned off the electricity. You need to come out from the basement, with your hands up, now.
-Albany, NY Police Dept.