Tuesdays with Vinnie


Obviously having sex with someone who is not your girlfriend is cheating, but is fantasizing about another girl considered cheating? If not, is masturbation? If not, what about masturbating with someone else (no “cross-touching”)? If not, what about masturbating with someone else (yes “cross-touching”)? If not, what about being on the receiving end of a happy ending massage? Is there a line? If so, where do you draw it?
– Faithful in Falls Church

Where do I draw the line? I draw the line across your sister’s chin. With my spunk. MEATBALLS!

If your old lady won’t let you squeeze out a little cannoli cream without busting your balls about it, you need to seriously reconsider your life, bro. Nobody should tell you not to polish off your own Iroc-Z. Sometimes I polish off my Iroc-Z while I polish off my actual Iroc-Z. Wow, I just got all Stephen Hawking with that shit there. Somebody get me one of those chairs, baby!

Seriously though, I don’t know the answer to this question, because the only kind of relationship your boy V-Mizzie takes part in is more open than your grandmother’s legs. I don’t let a chick tell me I’m cheating unless I try to drop a “Q” into “nutsack” when we’re playing Scrabble. I love Scrabble. SCRABBLING MY LOAD ALL OVER YOUR SISTER’S CHIN!



I’m a young woman of Indian descent studying here in the United States. A boy from a good family back home has asked for my hand in marriage and my parents are going to accept his offer.

My parents say that I will eventually love this boy, but last semester I met someone with whom I could see starting a life right now. I don’t know what to do. I want to honor my mother and father, but my heart tells me that they are wrong to force me into this. Can you help me?
-Conflicted at Cal Tech

This is easy. What you gotta do is come spend a weekend in my A.C. timeshare – because you’ll never want to return to place with no beef once you’ve had MEATBALLS IN YOUR MOUTH. MEATBALLS!

Seriously though, you shouldn’t let your family force you into any romance you’re not into, unless your sister tries to talk you into a freaky family three-way with yours truly, Vin to the Meats. I’ve got a list of sex stuff I wanna try a mile long, and a “masala à trois” with two Indian sisters would take care of like half that shit.

For real, I’ve been On-Demanding Top Chef, and between Padma and that chick from Slumdog Millionaire, I REALLY want to bang a hot Indian chick. This assumes that you’re hot though, not some broad who looks like Indira Gandhi. I wouldn’t fuck that chick with Mother Teresa’s dick.



I don’t mind that my girlfriend is a vegetarian and she doesn’t mind that I’m not. However, the BS we have to go through deciding when and what to eat is ridiculous. Do you have a solution or is this a dealbreaker?
-Hungry in Huntsville

I don’t know what your girlfriend is trying to get away with by saying she’s a vegetarian. I can tell you for a fact that just last night she couldn’t wait to PUT MEATBALLS IN HER MOUTH.



CORRECTION: In last week’s column, Mr. Meatballs wrote, “That’s what I said while I was banging your girlfriend.” In fact, it was what Mr. Meatballs said while he was banging your sister. MEATBALLS!

Want your questions answered by Vinnie? Write to him at vinniemeatballs@gmail.com or tell your mom to give him the message next time she sees him.