For this week’s Conversation Pieces, Whim contributor Matt Passet dutifully transcribes a brief chat between Napoleon Bonaparte and Marcel Marceau, despite having never taken French nor ventured further than 50 yards off the Atlantic Ocean.

Napoleon: Pastry? [Napoleon holds out a multi-layered cream-filled puff pastry.] It’s my favorite one.

Marcel Marceau: [Moves his hand in a circle in front of his stomach as to suggest the pastry would be delicious; pretends to take the pastry from Napoleon, but does not actually take it, instead reaches out for empty air and pretends to place said air into his mouth. He chews. Again, moves hand in circle in front of his stomach.]

Napoleon: I like your funny movements. I can do a trick where I make my hand disappear inside of my coat.

[Napoleon does his classic “Hand Disappearing Inside of His Coat” trick]

Marceau: [Pretends to laugh heartily]

Napoleon: We French sure know how to laugh. Jerry Lewis and what have you…

Marceau: [Exaggeratedly nods in agreement]

Napoleon: Also wines and cheeses are French things, of course…

Marceau: [Inexplicably trapped inside of a box]

Napoleon: Well I can see you seem to be preoccupied. I should go.

[Napoleon walks away]

Marceau: [Calls after Napoleon] Sorry to hear about Waterloo. This was bad for you, yes? [Puts hands into air as if surrendering in a comedic way]

[Napoleon continues to walk. Marceau looks up and opens a make-believe umbrella in anticipation of the fake rain.]