Welcome to “Conversation Pieces,” in which Whim contributor Matt Passet reports on conversations between people as imagined by someone with an American public-school education and who didn’t pay too much attention in school but who did just enough to pass the exams.

Hedgefund Manager: Welcome to my penthouse. That table is made of onyx.

Civil Engineer: It is well constructed, up to code.

Hedgefund Manager: Thank you, I bought it with money I made buying and selling stocks. Buy low, sell high is what I always say.

Civil Engineer: My title has nothing to do with the Civil War, just so you know.

Hedgefund Manager: I did know that. And likewise, my profession is neither gardening-related nor related to Sonic the Hedgehog, even though you think of those things when you hear what I do.

[The Hedgefund Manager presses a button on his wall and a globe in the corner opens to reveal that it is actually a bar.]

Hedgefund Manager: Could I interest you in some brandy? It is very rare. We will drink it out of these large glasses, but only fill them a little bit of the way.

Civil Engineer: That bar globe is well constructed…up to code. I would like some of that brandy, thank you. I generally don’t drink such fancy drinks. My job is a blue-collar job. I work hard and relax at the end of the day with a can of domestic beer.

Hedgefund Manager: I don’t even know what domestic beer is.