RON & LIBBY

A third straight quarter of outperforming expectations for Ron and Libby. Analysts’ initial reports warned that Ron’s new co-worker Marie was “temptingly smoking,” but failed to consider Ron’s most toxic asset: his personality. A late (and surprisingly argument-free) weekend trip to Connecticut sent stocks sky-high, but next quarter brings Marie’s 30th birthday, and with that comes pressure to perform.
Recommendation: STRONG BUY

MARK & DEBBIE

Flowers. Candlelight. A lack of sovereign debt. What could go wrong? Everything, it turns out, resulting in three successive weeks of market losses for Mark and Debbie, along with at least one glass of wine thrown violently into Mark’s face. The excitement of last quarter’s major acquisition (a puppy) has given way to squabbling over who walks Fluffy—leading to sluggish market performance for investors.
Recommendation: SELL

JIM & SALLY

Another solid, if uninspiring quarter for Jim and Sally. No major blowups, but no big successes, leading to wild speculation among investors—in particular, Sally’s mother—as to whether the couple would soon take the “next step” in order to shake things up. Of note: analysts say Sally remains dissatisfied with Jim’s earnings.
Recommendation: HOLD

GEORGE & MARCUS

Sentimental favorite George and Marcus rode a wave of technical innovation and high earnings to a third straight record-breaking quarter. Still, their performance continues to have a finite peak, at least without new regulations from government authorities.
Recommendation: STRONG BUY