A Conversation Between a Professional Bowler and the Owner of an Old-Timey Candy Store – Two More Professions I Know Little About

[The Bowler walks inside. Bells on the door ring. The Candy Store Owner smiles a warm smile, knowing how charming both he and his store are.]

Bowler: Hi, are you open?

Candy Store Owner: For a candy loving young fella like you, we sure as heck are.

[The Candy Store Owner winks at the Bowler.]

Candy Store Owner: [Notices a glove and rosin bag in the Bowler’s back pocket.] Do you mind if I strike up a conversation with you? I could certainly spare the time.

[The Bowler sits down on a bar stool at the counter, kicking up his back leg as he sits.]

Bowler: I’m in a pretty rad mood. [The Bowler runs his fingers through his mullet.] I just won the national bowling championship. I bowled a 300. [Under his breath] Everyone did.

Candy Store Owner: Well then you, my young friend, deserve some delicious ribbon candy.

[The Candy Store Owner opens a jar of ribbon candy and offers it to the bowler. The Bowler takes a piece of candy and puts it into his mouth, at first looking like he’s going to totally miss his mouth, but then curving it right in at the last second.]

Candy Store Owner: Why don’t you tell me a bit about that there tournament you won, sonny, while I tally up how many sour balls I’ve sold this week.

[The Candy Store Owner puts on a clear plastic visor and reading glasses; he writes in a ledger with a short stubby pencil, while lining up sour balls on the counter.]

Bowler: I just really had the best stuff today, man. Sold out crowd all cheering my name. I swear there must have been 30 or 40 people there.

Candy Store Owner: [Under his breath] Kids sure love those sour balls this month. They love the sweetness, they do.

Bowler: So anyway, I got this bitchin’ trophy [holds up a trophy of a small wooden bowling pin with a plaque that reads “CHAMPION”] and my prize money, and I came right here to spend it all on candy.

Candy Store Owner: A special trophy like that deserves a pretty special ice cream soda. What do you say, sport, how about a brown cow?

Bowler: That’s be pretty rad, man. Pretty rad.

Candy Store Owner: I’m so fucking charming.

Bowler: And I’m redneck as shit.

[They high-five.]