Hi, I’m Dr. Health. I’m also a woman. Proof of both provided upon request.
To the questions!
I’ve read reports saying red meat is bad for you. Still others say it’s good for you. What’s the truth?
-Nigel Y., Trenton, NJ
Hey, this isn’t Ask Ms. What-to-Eat! I’m a doctor, not a nutritionist.
We have it on strong authority that you are not, in fact, a doctor, and have taken to practicing unlicensed medicine overseas. Please return to America at once, or we will be forced to work with foreign authorities to bring you back home.
-Robert S. Mueller, Director, Federal Bureau of Investigation (dictated but not read)
I have it on strong authority that you, Mueller, in fact, smell. Maybe it’s the scent of a man scared of women in the workplace!
I am too poor to seek doctor. I seem to have some combination of blotchy eyes, red skin, and a loud, sustained cough that keeps me up all night. Tell me, please, what do I have?
-Girma R., Addis Ababa
You want to know what you have? You have a reason to move out of my building, Girma. I can’t get a decent night’s sleep with you coughing down there!
Doctor, doctor, give me the news: I’ve got a bad case of lovin’ you …
-Robert P., Yorkshire, Eng.
Ack, I opened iTunes by mistake. Sorry, everyone!
Hey, what’s that buzzing?
That buzzing you hear is our chopper, flying over your hideout, Dr. Health. We have you surrounded, so come out now, or we’ll be forced to take action.
-[Redacted], U.S. Marine Corps