Brock, I agree with your suspicions that there is a derelict living in your building. I would refrain from speaking to him or allowing him to use your bathroom when he’s “on break” (which is always). Don’t use this as an excuse not to give him a Christmas tip, though. Doormen never forget that.
I still find your understanding of Slovakian culture to be abysmal, however. Our only recourse is a trip to Slovakia itself so we can experience the truth firsthand. I’ll start looking for cheap flights from JFK to the Slovakiacity International Airport (Slovakiacitymetalbirdnestplace).
Sounds great! There’s a slight tingling in my spine, which I can only assume means I’m starting to feel the Slovakiocity! I’ll hit the currency exchange and get us some Slovakians, though getting a three-meter solid chrome effigy of Ivan Bella, the first Slovak in space past airport metal detectors may present a challenge.
Either way, when we get to Slovakia, let’s visit Ivan Reitman’s boyhood home. Apparently, he was born there.
CORRECTION: Bratislava is the capital of Slovakia and the currency used there is the Euro. If you have any information as to the whereabouts of Brock Mahan or Elliott Kalan, email: firstname.lastname@example.org.