Kevin McCaffrey

I General Social Data
Your name? Wife’s given and maiden name? Husband’s given name? Full names of children? Names of all other members of the household, and their relation to you? Kevin McCaffrey. None. None. None. Jaimie Hughes: girlfriend, coworker, turkey burger chef. Jon Daly: Friend, dating my cousin. Shane Heimann: Friend, the Barack Obama of the Wallgreens Corporation. Elizabeth Kuchta: Friend and, the other woman (besides Jaimie) that I am, depending on which law you read, is common-law married to me.

II Physical and Mental Conditions
What attention is given to personal hygiene and health by you? Is the importance of regular sleep, bathing, care of the teeth, and regular action of the bowels appreciated? Regular sleep is not important – I usually get 6 hours, regardless of when I go to bed (between 2 and 6 each night). I shower every day…maybe 3 or 4 days a year I won’t shower. I also can’t shower without shampooing and conditioning, ever, even though I’ve heard from various unqualified people that it’s bad for you. Teeth care I’m big on, and my bowels are outstanding, if understated. Can they be both? Trust me, they can.

III Industrial History
What is your business or employment, both previous and present? What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? Work situation is sketchy. I am a writer and performer, and I have been since 2004. I perform stand up comedy, appear on cable television, and write for a network television show (David Letterman). But I almost never leave my apartment until it’s night time. I am paid sporadically.

Before that I worked as a special education teachers’ aide, an Olive Garden waiter, a caddy, an umpire, and a seller of my own personal possessions.

At each job, my attendance was stellar if not perfect. My speed and accuracy was up and down. My sobriety was and is utterly undependable.

IV Education
What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training? I have no vocational training, besides going to Ball State University for 4 years. My mother is a graduate of the University of Notre Dame, with a Masters from Vanderbilt. She is a special education teacher in Naperville Illinois. My father is also a graduate of Notre Dame, and John Marshall Law School. Today he is, I’m pretty sure, a lawyer in New York City. My brother Joe, 24, is technically a fifth year sophomore, now enrolled at the College of Dupage in Illinois after 4 years at Ball State University. My brother Patrick, 20, is pre-med at the University of Illinois.