Point/Counterpoint: Brock’s Opening Statement

Click here to read Elliott’s opening statement.

Hockey legend and proud Slovak Stan Mikita, seen here hoarding treasure.

Brock’s Opening Statement:
Frankly, I don’t see what the debate is. A definitive answer to this question can be easily found through research. As such, I tracked down a primary source: my doorman, Anton. An émigré from Slovakia, I spoke at length with Anton in his native tongue regarding his homeland. What follows is based on our conversation. Keep in mind that some specific details may have been lost in translation because I don’t know Slovak. I did, however, take very thorough notes as to the noises (mostly guttural) and hand gestures (choppy) that Anton made.

As best I understand it, the capital of Slovakia is the Slovakian. These are figurines die-cast in the likeness of famous countrymen like St. Gorazd and General Ján Golian that can be exchanged for goods and services. Obviously, the quality of said goods/services depend on the quantity, size and composition of the Slovakian. The most commonly trafficked figurines are two-inch tall pewter renderings of parachute inventor Stefan Banic. Small enough to comfortably fit in a pocket, Banics are generally used to purchase household goods: toiletries, food stuffs, potable water, etc.

Anton took a moment here to stress (short, heavy hand-chops, as if cleaving a chicken) that parents must not leave Banics lying about, as they present a choking hazard for young children.

Anyway, Anton trailed off after that, saying he had little experience with large denomination Slovakians, as back in his village, he was so adept at seducing wealthy old widow that he never had to pay for anything personally. He ended by saying that once, as a boy, he woke up the morning after losing a tooth to find that Bohuslav the Enamel Harvester (the Slovak equivalent of the Tooth Fairy) had left a 6-inch, silver plated statuette of hockey great Stan Mikita under his pillow. Interesting guy.

Next: Elliott’s rebuttal to Brock’s utter nonsense.