Elliott’s Opening Statement:
Americans get a bad rap from foreigners just because we don’t know every little detail about their boring, insignificant little countries. But we can’t get defensive about it. The fact is, as citizens of the world (as well as the only country with the cojoñes to blow the rest of the planet off the map if we feel like it) it’s up to us to educate ourselves about the global situation.

Unfortunately, this means hashing out the answers to a lot of tough questions involving exotic cultures, unfamiliar geography, and food that looks icky. One of those questions faces us today: Brock and I can’t agree on the capital of Slovakia.

This is foolish, of course, because the capital of Slovakia is Slovakia City. That’s just how capitals work. Kansas City, Kansas. New York City, New York. Brasilia, Brazil–which is Portuguese for “Brazil City”. Sometimes places leave off the “City” part, like Luxembourg, Luxembourg, but when your country has a name like Slovakia you want to pretty it up a little.

It’s always possible that the name is in the Slovak language, which I imagine smooshes words together, much like the Slovaks themselves smoosh every part of the pig into the blood sausage delicacy jaternice. In that case, the capital would be Slovakiacity, which is a great name because it fits perfectly in the tourism ad campaign I just came up with: “Slovakia — Feel the Slovakiocity!” Doesn’t it make you want to buy a ticket to Slovakiacity right now?

Not only does Slovakiacity have a great name, but I’m sure it’s a lovely capital, from the marble halls of the Slovakian legislature (Slovakialegislatureplace) to the nightspots of downtown and Little Estonia. Truly, it is one of Europe’s greatest capitals, ranking only behind England City, Franceville, Cittá Italiano, Germansburg, Russiatown, and Greekopolis.

Next: Whim editor Brock Mahan proposes an alternate theory on what the capital of Slovakia is.