Price in U.S. dollars of a partridge according to Helga’s Exotic Bird Hatchery in Mt. Joy, Pennsylvania: 5.00

Price in U.S. dollars of a pear tree according to Amazon: 7.95

Price in U.S. dollars of a pear tree (including shipping): 14.45

Price in U.S. dollars of two turtledoves, three French hens, four colly birds, six geese a-laying and seven swans a-swimming according to Helga: 6,095.94

Price in U.S. dollars of orders that qualify for free shipping according to Helga: 50 OR GREATER

Price in U.S. dollars of five Frank Gehry-designed Torque Micro 18k golden rings from Tiffany: 1,875.00

Average hourly wage in U.S. dollars of livestock workers according to the USDA: 10.19

Payroll cost in U.S. dollars to hire eight maids a-milking for one year (with no overtime): 163,040

Average nightly take-home pay in U.S. dollars for exotic dancers according to the e-book How to Be a Stripper: Everything You Wanted to Know But Were Too Afraid to Ask by Anonymous: 1,500

Percent chance that the above statistic is likely to be accurate: ZERO

Payroll cost in U.S. dollars to hire nine ladies dancing for one year according to Anonymous’s price quote: 3,375,000

Percent chance that your true love will appreciate this particular gift: ZERO

Number of U.S. athletes to medal in men’s hurdles at the Summer Olympics since 1996: 10

Average price in pounds sterling of a lordship title on the website nobility.co.uk: 4,562.79

Price in U.S. dollars to turn all ten Olympic medal-winning hurdlers into lords a-leaping: 72,416.00

Sticker price in U.S. dollars of eleven Piper Jets (no add-ons): 27,500,000

Greatest drummer in rock ‘n’ roll history according to Rolling Stone: NEIL PEART

Does Neil Peart play with the strength of twelve drummers drumming: AT LEAST

Price in U.S. dollars of Anatomy of a Drum Solo, Neil Peart’s 2-DVD instructional video box set according to Guitar Center: 46.49

Total price in U.S. dollars of all the gifts mentioned in “The Twelve Days of Christmas”: 31,118,492.88

Median household income in U.S. dollars: 46,326

All statistics accurate as of December 2010. The same cannot be said for any conclusions drawn from said data.