Dear Readers:

The time has come to clear up a rumor that’s been circling me and Whim Quarterly like a vulture. It’s not easy for me to admit this, but:

I, too, slept with Tiger Woods.

We met while playing in a charity celebrity pro-am at Shinnecock Hills. I was paired with Lee Trevino, Tiger with Richard Karn. Neither of us cared much for our partner and it showed. As a foursome, we raised, at most, $1,200 for autism research. The electricity between Tiger and me, however, was undeniable.

We stayed in contact with each other, our correspondence growing more flirtatious with every exchange. One weekend last August, we finally consummated the relationship. Several times. I’m not proud of it. My poor decision making has caused immeasurable pain for my family and my co-workers and I am in process of making amends for this unacceptable behavior.

In the interest of closing the book on this unfortunate chapter in my life, I have decided to go public with texts Tiger sent me over the course of that torrid weekend.

Thanks for letting me get this out,

Whimpleton

See also: Earl and Whimpleton