Has your lady ever caught you sticking your Italian sausage in someone else’s ciabatta? If so, what’s the best way to make the situation blow over?
-Philandering in Philadelphia
If you’re looking for advice on how to make things “blow over,” you should ask your wife, because she was blowing over here last night! MEATBALLS!
I don’t know how many times I gotta tell you jamooks this, but Vinnie Meatballs doesn’t cheat, because Vinnie Meatballs can’t be tied down. The only commitment I’m willing to make is 14 minutes of extreme pleasure, and whatever cab fare your sister needs to get back to her place afterwards.
But your real problem isn’t your love life, it’s your food. Italian sausage in ciabatta instead of with peppers over some pasta? Bah fungoo!
My girlfriend is putting serious pressure on me to get her a puppy for her birthday. At first, I thought having a pet would bring us closer together, but the two of us can’t seem to agree on a breed. In fact, we argue about it so much, it’s making me think we’re not ready to take this step. What would a big dog like Vinnie do?
-Pooch-Lover in Park Slope
Your girlfriend deserves a puppy to play with – because I played with her puppies all weekend! MEATBALLS!
Get whatever kind of dog you want bro, I don’t give a shit. Just don’t get a cat – your boy Vinnie Meatballs is allergic to cats. I know, it’s ironic that a pussy magnet like me would, in fact, be allergic to pussy. That’s why your sister keeps a case of Claritin on her nightstand.
This fall I’m attending a destination wedding for a college buddy in the Caribbean. I’m already shelling out all sorts of money for the plane and hotel, am I still obligated to buy my friend a present too?
-Broke in Brooklyn
Are they registered somewhere? If not, they should register. Tell them to check out justblewvinniemeatballs.com – I know your mom is registered there and loves it.
CORRECTION: In last week’s column, Mr. Meatballs claimed to be “balls deep in your grandma.” In fact, Mr. Meatballs was “balls deep” in your great aunt. MEATBALLS!
Want your questions answered by Vinnie? Write to him at firstname.lastname@example.org or tell your mom to give him the message next time she sees him.