A Conversation Between Two Latin American Despots Beloved by Left-Leaning Hollywood Icons

Fidel Castro, seen here honing his screwball

[NOTE: Both men speak in sort of sexy Antonio Banderas-like accents…the ladies want to resist, but simply cannot.]

Fidel Castro: It seems like we should know each other.

Hugo Chavez: Yes, you would think so. We are both Spanish-speaking and sort of evil, but some American celebrities think we’re not evil, and we are both currently alive.

Castro: Yes, I am currently alive still, I think. There is a small chance I died a few years ago when my brother took over, but I think I am just ill.

Chavez: Do you know Sean Penn?

Castro: Yes, I do.

Chavez: I know him as well.

Castro: Do you know Oliver Stone?

Chavez: I do.

Castro: These people are liberal Americans who think we’ve gotten a bad rap and so they come to our countries and talk to us and then make it seem like we are down to earth.

[Castro lights a cigar]

Castro: I smoke cigars.

Chavez: Yes, I have seen pictures of you doing this. It is something you are known for.

Castro: Our people are known for making good cigars. I am not sure whether this is because of the actual leaf or the tobacco or if it has something to with how they are rolled, but I do know that if a young American man wants to impress his father-in-law, he will present him with one of our cigars.

Chavez: We have oil in Venezuela, which is where I am the leader.

Castro: I knew Che Guevara. He fought on the same team as me and then he was no longer on the same team as me. For some reason people like him and he is on t-shirts, and they think I am a dick.

Chavez: They think I am a dick, too. I said some pretty shitty stuff about President Bush, but they were all doing it at the time. So I didn’t see what the big deal was.

Castro: Americans, right? What are you gonna do?

Chavez: Tell me about it, brother.