Matthew E. Passet

I General Social Data
Your name? Wife’s given and maiden name? Husband’s given name? Full names of children? Names of all other members of the household, and their relation to you? Molly Kate McGuiness is her maiden name. Our marriage was arranged by an organization that allows children of the Irish to marry an outsider, thus severing all semblance of their Irish heritage and becoming someone who can work and be respected in society; Jay Catsby. He is a cat as well as a third cousin of my wife’s.

II Physical and Mental Conditions
Is the importance of regular sleep, bathing, care of the teeth, and regular action of the bowels appreciated? I clean my teeth with a paste provided to me (at a cost) by the Colgate Company. When applied with a bristled brush, the paste becomes a foam which I rub on the front and back of my teeth, while pushing some in the spaces between the teeth. Additionally, I use a special paper in the moments directly after a bowel movement to clean any remaining feces from my anus, going perhaps an eighth of an inch INTO the actual anus to be sure that all feces has effectively been removed, and that the anus is spotless until my next movement. Regular action of the bowels is always, always appreciated. (For post-bowel action practices, please see above.)

III Industrial History
What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? As an unknown cable television personality, I enjoy such luxuries as wearing make-up and enjoying free bottled water and Harvest Cheddar-flavored Sunchips.

IV Education
What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training? My wife was trained as a step dancer in the McGuinty Brothers Traveling Irish Circus, where she was known as Stepsy McGee and forced to tie her hair back and tuck it into the back of her shirt, so circus-goers would never for a second doubt that they were watching the footwork of a young boy from Cork. Myself, it was New York University, where I majored in political science, and Columbia University where I received an MFA in the written word.