The time has come to clear up a rumor that’s been circling me and Whim Quarterly like a vulture. It’s not easy for me to admit this, but:
I, too, slept with Tiger Woods.
We met while playing in a charity celebrity pro-am at Shinnecock Hills. I was paired with Lee Trevino, Tiger with Richard Karn. Neither of us cared much for our partner and it showed. As a foursome, we raised, at most, $1,200 for autism research. The electricity between Tiger and me, however, was undeniable.
We stayed in contact with each other, our correspondence growing more flirtatious with every exchange. One weekend last August, we finally consummated the relationship. Several times. I’m not proud of it. My poor decision making has caused immeasurable pain for my family and my co-workers and I am in process of making amends for this unacceptable behavior.
In the interest of closing the book on this unfortunate chapter in my life, I have decided to go public with texts Tiger sent me over the course of that torrid weekend.
I would like to make a chicken club with you and a hen you trust
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, see if you can fly
Treat you like a dirty bird. Stick it in your cloaca and then shove it down your wattle
I know you have tried every positing imaginable but what turns you on besides man on chicken
I really do want to be rough with you. Slap you around
and pull on your saddle feathers
I want you to beg for it. Kiss you all over to convince me to let you have it in your beak
Ok. Lights out. Good night sexy.
Hope you slept as good as i did. I just woke up which is un heard of thanks to your crowing
I have to leave for an appearance but i will be back at 730 for dinner. Chicken a la King i hope!
Have you ever had a golden shower done to you
Really. You. You have done just about everything havent you
oh. I meant it in a sexual way
didnt know thats what chickens call being deep fried
I will be over in 10mins
Get ready to drain a 12-inch putt
Thanks for letting me get this out,
See also: Earl and Whimpleton