Classifieds from the Boston Bulletin, the Only Newspaper to Survive the Apocalypse


The Bonesuckers are a band of cannibals scouting the outskirts of Boston for food and shelter. We are seeking someone with a Massachusetts Commercial Driver’s License (CDL) to take us and our cargo south for the winter. Must be able to drive for long periods of time, swear an oath of tribal loyalty (be an excellent team-player), and maintain a positive outlook despite global despair. Responsibilities predominantly include operating a vehicle and scavenging for gasoline, but some light cross-border smuggling may be required. Must have no reservations with the primal savagery of mankind in times of desperation. Skill with firearms strongly preferred. If interested, signal us from the Harbor Lighthouse.

St. Ann’s Parish, located on the smoldering rubble of what was Thurston Street, is looking for an ordained Catholic priest who is devoted to his faith despite this increasingly godless world. We need to accommodate an overwhelming demand from repenting non-believers for baptisms and confessions. The candidate should be able to absolve people from original sin in an efficient and timely manner. Must be comfortable performing funeral services for very large mass burials. There is some light travel to Cambridge’s military compound in order to perform last rites to the Infected they have under quarantine. We are very lax when considering actual qualifications. Please come as soon as possible, in whatever way you can.

Small but motivated group of post-Fallout revolutionaries wishes to sail to the world’s only radiation-free terrain in order to found a Utopian society. We wish to recruit a talented sea captain who possesses a proficiency in fire-making, the ability to cope with starvation, and a sense of humor when facing insurmountable odds of survival. The ideal candidate must be comfortable with the possibility of battling pirates. Due to our commitment to preserving the human species, we are looking for an individual of high sexual potency. Please come to Lansdowne Street during the next Fenway Park body-burning. You must provide your own boat.

Starbucks Coffee is looking for a self-motivated barista to work at our Boylston location. Voted #1 Most Miraculously Enduring Business Venture by Boston Bulletin two years in a row, Starbucks Coffee is a leading contender in today’s atrophying global market. We offer a competitive benefits package including: paid vacations, holidays, bonus food rations, and plague insurance. Starbucks is committed to satisfying its customers no matter what the circumstances. If interested, please inquire at any of our 63 Boston locations.

If you would like to post a classified, you can radio us with the transceiver we planted at the WMJX building. Because of the risk of looting by roving gangs of bandits, we do not currently accommodate in-person requests at the Bulletin bunker. If anyone out there is actually reading this, please send a rescue squad.