Rob Schneider (left) and Rob Schneider (right)
A Conversation Between Two Prolific Hollywood Actors — One of Whom Is Held in Higher Esteem Than the Other
[Rob Schneider is outside of a club, waiting for Adam Sandler to show up so he can get past the bouncer. Frank Langella is walking out with an African-American prostitute on each arm.]
Schneider: Oh, hello, Mr. Connery….
[Langella keeps walking.]
Schneider: Mr. Connery… I’m a big fan. Connery! The Con Man, Con-a-rama, Con-a-lama-ding-ding. The Con Man.
Langella: I’m not Sean Connery.
Schneider: You’re Frank Langella, right?
Schneider: Yeah, Sean Connery.
Langella: I am the actor Frank Langella. Frost/Nixon. Eddie, where I play the cowboy owner of the Whoopi Goldberg-coached NY Knicks…
Schneider: Of course. And then as Sean Connery you were James Bond, and in The Rock, where you said “Welcome to the Rock.”
Langella: That was Sean Connery. Not me.
Schneider: Isn’t Frank Langella just a character Sean Connery plays? Like when he plays an American.
[Langella leans in close.]
Langella: [Thick Scottish accent] Lishen Bigelow, what your shaying is absolute nonsense.
Scheneider: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. How can I make it up to you? Should I have Adam put you in a movie? Sometimes he even gives me my own movie. I could talk to him.
Langella: [Thick Scottish accent] I think we’re done here. Ladies.
[He and the prostitutes walk away into the night. Schneider continues to wait for either Adam Sandler or Chris Rock to arrive.]
Schneider: [To bouncer] What about David Spade? Can I go inside if he comes and says I can?
[The bouncer pretends he did not hear.]
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