Ask Dr. Health!

Hi, I’m Dr. Health. News flash! I’m a woman. Yes, women can be doctors, too. It’s 2010, so deal with it! Health is actually my last name, too. Though I married into it. My husband’s a fat slob accountant. And my maiden name is Money! So there you go.

To the questions!

Ask Dr. Health!
Every night, I plan on going for a run the next day. Every morning, I hit the snooze alarm and sleep in instead. How can I get motivated?
-Edward P., Olathe, Kan.

Step one: Move the hell out of Kansas! Second, here’s what I do:

4 a.m.
Listen to some music to pump me up. I prefer Obama speeches. “Race,” of course, is vintage ‘Bam. But I also like the Iowa Acceptance speech. Say it with me: Yes … we … can.

4:20 a.m.
Time to get high! Not on the green, though—on greenies, an upper that can really keep you going. (Ask your cool cousin, or the nearest ’70s-era Major Leaguer, where to find it. He’ll know.)

4:30 a.m.

If I don’t have coffee in the morning, I get sometimes crippling headaches. Is this just a sign of caffeine dependence (a problem in and of itself), or could it be something more troubling?
-Charles S., Boulder, Colo.

Hey, is this by any chance Charles S. Dutton? Big fan! Loved you in The Matrix (that was you, right?)

Anyway, I think you need to look at the root problem: Why in hell are you not having coffee in the morning?!

Last month, you advised stressed-out readers to “take it out on your family.” How are you still employed?

Mom, is that you?

My precious daughter: Please write. We never hear from you anymore.
-Marjorie Money, Pleasantville, NY

Oh, there you are, Mom. I wonder who Anonymous is. Maybe it’s Dad—but he’s still dead, right?

We have recently been made aware of a troubling situation. Evidently you are writing a health column as “Dr. Health,” despite a lack of accreditation (and the fact that your real last name is Nausea). Please refrain from doing so. Failure to comply with this request will result in your immediate arrest.
-The Department of Health and Human Services, Washington, D.C.

Ooh, scary! Guess someone can’t deal with the new reality: Women can be doctors, too!

Some of the world’s most glamorous stars seem to stay remarkably skinny with little to no effort at all. What’s their secret?
-Glenn L., Malibu, Calif.

I think we both know who you’re talking about: Bob Dylan, circa Blonde on Blonde. Let’s consult I Want You (to Lose Weight), Dylan’s mid-’60s diet book. Looks like the formula’s simple: a non-stop diet of weed, amphetamines, and strung-out Factory starlets. Let me know if you need help finding any of those.

Honey, come home. I’m starting to worry about you.
-Robert H., New York, NY