• His essay on the disputed history of eggs Benedict will appear in a forth-coming collection of stories from The New York Times’ City Section.
• Assumed possums were peace-loving creatures until “the incident.”

Wrote: The Great Altini (issue 2).

• Staff writer for UrbanDaddy.com
• Executor of Dom Deluise’s estate.

* * *

In an effort to get to know our contributors better, we asked them to fill out a survey adapted from the the gripping, must-read social work of 1917: Social Diagnosis by Mary Ellen Richmond. (Basically, Angels and Demons, but even more nuanced). After receiving their answers (excerpted below), we regretted asking, but magazines don’t write themselves.

I General Social Data
Your name? Wife’s given and maiden name? Husband’s given name? Full names of children? Names of all other members of the household, and their relation to you? No legitimate children.

II Physical and Mental Conditions
Is the importance of regular sleep, bathing, care of the teeth, and regular action of the bowels appreciated? Physical and mental condition is tenuous, teeth in disrepair.

III Industrial History
What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? Employed by the esteemed UrbanDaddy.com, the father of us all. Work is performed with vigor and zeal.

IV Education
What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training? Trained as a mimeographer until the age of 8.

* * *

Wrote: Our Future (photospread, issue 2); Misanthropic School of Advertising (issue 2); To My Upstairs Neighbor (issue 1).

I General Social Data
Your name? Wife’s given and maiden name? Husband’s given name? Full names of children? Names of all other members of the household, and their relation to you? Sasha. I just told you. I just told you! Leonard, Abigail, Spooky, Landon, Stagger Lee, Captain Scarlet, & Sasha Jr. Grandma, the goldfish, Uncle Drums, & that goddamn rabbit. Spatial.

What attention is given to personal hygiene and health by you? Rapt

II Physical and Mental Conditions
Is the importance of regular sleep, bathing, care of the teeth, and regular action of the bowels appreciated? Not as much as you’d think.

III Industrial History
What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? EMy business is none of yours, now and forever. My work record for all of the above is Life, Love, & Leaving by The Detroit Cobras.

IV Education
What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training? Yes.

* * *

Wrote: An Oral History of Beaumont (issue 1).

• Proprietor of Mp3 of the Week blog.
• Beat up Mt. Everest, blindfolded.

Wrote: Pretentious Poetry With Emoticons (issue 2).

I General Social Data

Your name? Wife’s given and maiden name? Husband’s given name? Full names of children? Names of all other members of the household, and their relation to you? Husband to Lennette Lee, nee Lennette Lee. The only other member of our family is a weimaraner-boxer mix named David Hasselhoff, whose relation to myself is complicated, deep, and troubling.

II Physical and Mental Conditions

Is the importance of regular sleep, bathing, care of the teeth, and regular action of the bowels appreciated? Regular action of the bowels is appreciated on the highest order. My appreciation of other aspects of hygiene shall be listed in descending fashion: regular sleep, bathing, care of teeth, removal of boogers.

III Industrial History

What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? I practice the law — quickly, with varying degrees of accuracy. I am very regularly devoid of any sobriety.

IV Education

What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training? David Hasselhoff received two degrees from Pup Scouts Ltd. My wife and I have law degrees. My father was a baker and a fiend, and my mom got scared.

* * *

Wrote: Am I A Replicant (issue 1).

• Creator, TracyChapstick.com.
• Ghost writer, The Ghost Writer

Wrote: Foreign Press Spotlight (issue 2)

• “Authoer of Sargesblog, a funniest blog on the universe.”
• “I got the Author’s Kinship award for scuba diving down and saving Stephen King from a bunch of gross-ass demon squids. I used a spear.”

* * *

In an effort to get to know our contributors better, we asked them to fill out a survey adapted from the the gripping, must-read social work of 1917: Social Diagnosis by Mary Ellen Richmond. (Basically, Angels and Demons, but even more nuanced). After receiving their answers (excerpted below), we regretted asking, but magazines don’t write themselves.

I General Social Data

Your name? Wife’s given and maiden name? Husband’s given name? Full names of children? Names of all other members of the household, and their relation to you? I dont have a HUSBAND but if I did I would guess he would have a classy name like CHARLES. Children: “Stovlund”, “N/A”, and “Chuck”, would be their names. but NO.

II Physical and Mental Conditions

What attention is given to personal hygiene and health by you? Sometimes if I don’t punch enough shit for like a week I gotta SNARL and bite off the rust that grows on my diamound-encrusted KNUCKLE!!!! but that is never the case. Also I take baths.

Is the importance of regular sleep, bathing, care of the teeth, and regular action of the bowels appreciated? THIS question AGAIN?!!

III Industrial History

What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? I Worked as a TITANIUM MINER for MANY years. and then I began a dancing business but this was dislodged from the earth when I was sent to PRESIDANTIAL DUNGEON.

IV Education

What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training? Yes but I didnt use the vocational training because I already knew the training.

* * *

Wrote: Gaussbombs (issue 2); Water: It Tastes Like Crap (issue 1).

• Monologue writer, The Late Show with David Letterman
• Hand double for Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald Crane on the set of Passions.

Wrote: A Few Problems I Have With My Roommate, Who Happens to be a Penguin (issue 2)

• Drew storyboards for a rejected Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 5 promotional spot.
• Purchased Charles Bronson’s mustache for $18,000.

Drew: Comic that appeared in “Comic Cranny” (issue 2)

• Emmy-winning writer for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
• Proportional strength, speed, and agility of a spider.

* * *

In an effort to get to know our contributors better, we asked them to fill out a survey adapted from the the gripping, must-read social work of 1917: Social Diagnosis by Mary Ellen Richmond. (Basically, Angels and Demons, but even more nuanced). After receiving their answers (excerpted below), we regretted asking, but magazines don’t write themselves.

I General Social Data

Your name? Elliott Kalan

II Physical and Mental Conditions

What attention is given to personal hygiene and health by you? I give much attention to personal hygiene and health from 6:30 am to 7:30 am each day, then forget about it.

Is the importance of regular sleep, bathing, care of the teeth, and regular action of the bowels appreciated? In the case of the bowels, yes, extremely so.

III Industrial History

What is your business or employment, both previous and present? For the past 7 years I have worked at “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” in various capacities. I have been on the writing staff for one year, in which capacity I recently won an Emmy.

What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? Speed: 6, Accuracy: 8.4, Regularity: 3, Sobriety: 11

IV Education

Did you have any vocational training? I received a Bachelor of Arts in Screenwriting from the NYU Department of Dramatic Writing.

* * *

Wrote: Obituary: Luigi Gabagoozzini, Beloved Italian Stereotype, Dies at 87 (issue 2); 12 or 13 Things Not To Hold in One Hand While Holding a Baby in the Other hand (issue 2); Why Robots Are Cooler Than Cars, but Not As Cool As Dinosaurs (issue 1); Point/Counterpoint (issue 1).

• Writer for National Lampoon, Cracked Magazine.
• Exists entirely theoretically.

Wrote: Back End Web Programmer Familiar With Magento (issue 2)

• Emmy winner, Cash Cab writing staff.
• Author of the speech Nixon would have given if the first moon landing had ended in disaster.

* * *

In an effort to get to know our contributors better, we asked them to fill out a survey adapted from the the gripping, must-read social work of 1917: Social Diagnosis by Mary Ellen Richmond. (Basically, Angels and Demons, but even more nuanced). After receiving their answers (excerpted below), we regretted asking, but magazines don’t write themselves.

I General Social Data

Your name? Wife’s given and maiden name? Husband’s given name? Full names of children? Names of all other members of the household, and their relation to you? Unmarried, childless; only real familial note is that I’m a descendant of Elvira Madigan, upon whom a very boring Swedish film was based in 1967, and which information sometimes excites people over 60, particularly Europeans.

II Physical and Mental Conditions

Is the importance of regular sleep, bathing, care of the teeth, and regular action of the bowels appreciated? I have a strong and abiding affection for all the hygienical arts.

III Industrial History

What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? Longstanding writer, producer, and editor of written works in a variety of formats and venues. Won a Daytime Emmy for writing on Cash Cab. Suffer occasional lapses into sobriety.

IV Education

What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training? Graduated Harvard in 2001, undertook vocational training at the European Film College in Denmark 2003-04.

* * *

Wrote: The Sad, Tragic, and Unenviable Lure of Making the World’s Ultimate Automobile (In 7 Easy Chapters, Set to Music) (issue 2); Rovenn Polanski (issue 1)

• Profiled a jazz bassist who has jammed with former Attorney General John Ashcroft.
• Currently cooking the books at Whim Quarterly

Wrote: Getting Real with Justin Marciniak (Price Check in Aisle 666) (issue 2)

• Monologue writer, The Late Show with David Letterman.
• You like French toast? Yeah, he did that.

In an effort to get to know our contributors better, we asked them to fill out a survey adapted from the the gripping, must-read social work of 1917: Social Diagnosis by Mary Ellen Richmond. (Basically, Angels and Demons, but even more nuanced). After receiving their answers (excerpted below), we regretted asking, but magazines don’t write themselves.

I General Social Data

Your name? Wife’s given and maiden name? Husband’s given name? Full names of children? Names of all other members of the household, and their relation to you? Kevin McCaffrey. None. None. None. Jaimie Hughes: girlfriend, coworker, turkey burger chef. Jon Daly: Friend, dating my cousin. Shane Heimann: Friend, the Barack Obama of the Wallgreens Corporation. Elizabeth Kuchta: Friend and, the other woman (besides Jaimie) that I am, depending on which law you read, is common-law married to me.

II Physical and Mental Conditions

What attention is given to personal hygiene and health by you? Is the importance of regular sleep, bathing, care of the teeth, and regular action of the bowels appreciated? Regular sleep is not important – I usually get 6 hours, regardless of when I go to bed (between 2 and 6 each night). I shower every day…maybe 3 or 4 days a year I won’t shower. I also can’t shower without shampooing and conditioning, ever, even though I’ve heard from various unqualified people that it’s bad for you. Teeth care I’m big on, and my bowels are outstanding, if understated. Can they be both? Trust me, they can.

III Industrial History

What is your business or employment, both previous and present? What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? Work situation is sketchy. I am a writer and performer, and I have been since 2004. I perform stand up comedy, appear on cable television, and write for a network television show (David Letterman). But I almost never leave my apartment until it’s night time. I am paid sporadically.

Before that I worked as a special education teachers’ aide, an Olive Garden waiter, a caddy, an umpire, and a seller of my own personal possessions.

At each job, my attendance was stellar if not perfect. My speed and accuracy was up and down. My sobriety was and is utterly undependable.

IV Education

What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training? I have no vocational training, besides going to Ball State University for 4 years. My mother is a graduate of the University of Notre Dame, with a Masters from Vanderbilt. She is a special education teacher in Naperville Illinois. My father is also a graduate of Notre Dame, and John Marshall Law School. Today he is, I’m pretty sure, a lawyer in New York City. My brother Joe, 24, is technically a fifth year sophomore, now enrolled at the College of Dupage in Illinois after 4 years at Ball State University. My brother Patrick, 20, is pre-med at the University of Illinois.

* * *

Wrote: A Few Problems I Have with My Roommate, Who Happens to be a Penguin (issue 2); T-Shirt Reviews (issue 1)

• Creator of the webseries 9 AM Meeting
• Forgotten Olsen Triplet.

In an effort to get to know our contributors better, we asked them to fill out a survey adapted from the the gripping, must-read social work of 1917: Social Diagnosis by Mary Ellen Richmond. (Basically, Angels and Demons, but even more nuanced). After receiving their answers (excerpted below), we regretted asking, but magazines don’t write themselves.

I General Social Data

Your name? Wife’s given and maiden name? Husband’s given name? Full names of children? Names of all other members of the household, and their relation to you? I have a question for you, “Whim.” Why are you so interested in myself and my wife? Are you looking to start some sort of freaky three-way? Are you some sort of pervert who wants to insert his/her/ ungendered magazine-self between our blessed bodily union? Are you? Because if you are, we’d be totally into that. Sure, your fixation on our children is a bit creepy, but since we don’t have any children, I’m willing to overlook it. At least for now. Afterward, when I’m wracked with guilt over the physical act we just consummated, I’ll need some sort of scapegoat, and will undoubtedly call Chris Hansen on you.

II Physical and Mental Conditions

Is the importance of regular sleep, bathing, care of the teeth, and regular action of the bowels appreciated? Appreciated but not required. We leave it up to the customer’s discretion.

III Industrial History

What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? The speed, accuracy, and regularity of my lack of sobriety was legendary.

IV Education

What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training? I graduated from the school of hard knocks. What do you think of THAT, ivory tower comedy magazine? My writing has appeared via the airwaves on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, NPR’s Morning Edition, and Seattle public radio’s Rewind. It has appeared via the Internetwaves* at Modern Humorist and Gawker and through my bad-movie podcast The Flop House and my webseries 9 AM Meeting. You may have seen me via the stagewaves* in Mr. Whitepants’ Comedy Hour, Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, or The Primetime Kalan. Finally I last appeared in printwaves* as a regular contributor to NYC’s late, lamented humor magazine, Jest. I sincerely hope this magazine survives longer than that one. (*These are not words.)

* * *

Wrote: Other Things Tangentially Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire (issue 2); Houdini’s Secret Diaries (issue 2); On The Economies of Magical Lands (issue 2); So You’re Covered In Ants (issue 1); Excerpts From The New Astronaut Cookbook (issue 1)

I General Social Data

Your name? Wife’s given and maiden name? Husband’s given name? Full names of children? Names of all other members of the household, and their relation to you? husband to Jennifer, father of five girls (8,6,5,3,2)

II Physical and Mental Conditions

Is the importance of regular sleep, bathing, care of the teeth, and regular action of the bowels appreciated? I have to get up at 2:45 am every day to be a morning TV and radio personality in Rochester, New York. I am constantly overtired but compensate for that by having sublime bowel movements.

III Industrial History

What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? Things I’ve been paid to do: Newscaster, teacher, painter, telemarketer, gas station surveyor, sports editor, justice of the peace (once), scallop packer, botanical garden tour guide (St. Louis), circus promoter (1 hour).

IV Education

What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training? I have a masters degree in MASS COMMUNICATION. It taught me how to SHOUT in a professional manner.

* * *

Wrote: Here’s to You…Isthmus (issue 1)

I General Social Data

Your name? Wife’s given and maiden name? Husband’s given name? Full names of children? Names of all other members of the household, and their relation to you? Alix: girlfriend.

II Physical and Mental Conditions

Is the importance of regular sleep, bathing, care of the teeth, and regular action of the bowels appreciated? Yes, but only to distract me from my hairshirt. God, I told you I didn’t want to talk about my hairshirt.

III Industrial History

What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? Manufacturer of fine hairshirts for laymen and clergy.

IV Education

What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training?Why does every conversation and/or survey always have to be about hairshirts?

* * *

Wrote: True Stories of the World’s Cutest Supervillains (issue 1)

• Ghost wrote a piece in the November 2008 issue of Marie Claire titled “10 Things You Shouldn’t Be Thankful for This Thanksgiving.”
• While a freelance monologue writer for The Late Show with David Letterman, wrote the now-infamous sing-off line “I’m David Letterman and you’re not.”

In an effort to get to know our contributors better, we asked them to fill out a survey adapted from the the gripping, must-read social work of 1917: Social Diagnosis by Mary Ellen Richmond. (Basically, Angels and Demons, but even more nuanced). After receiving their answers (excerpted below), we regretted asking, but magazines don’t write themselves.

I General Social Data

Your name? Wife’s given and maiden name? Husband’s given name? Full names of children? Names of all other members of the household, and their relation to you? Molly Kate McGuiness is her maiden name. Our marriage was arranged by an organization that allows children of the Irish to marry an outsider, thus severing all semblance of their Irish heritage and becoming someone who can work and be respected in society; Jay Catsby. He is a cat as well as a third cousin of my wife’s.

II Physical and Mental Conditions

Is the importance of regular sleep, bathing, care of the teeth, and regular action of the bowels appreciated? I clean my teeth with a paste provided to me (at a cost) by the Colgate Company. When applied with a bristled brush, the paste becomes a foam which I rub on the front and back of my teeth, while pushing some in the spaces between the teeth. Additionally, I use a special paper in the moments directly after a bowel movement to clean any remaining feces from my anus, going perhaps an eighth of an inch INTO the actual anus to be sure that all feces has effectively been removed, and that the anus is spotless until my next movement. Regular action of the bowels is always, always appreciated. (For post-bowel action practices, please see above.)

III Industrial History

What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? As an unknown cable television personality, I enjoy such luxuries as wearing make-up and enjoying free bottled water and Harvest Cheddar-flavored Sunchips.

IV Education

What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training? My wife was trained as a step dancer in the McGuinty Brothers Traveling Irish Circus, where she was known as Stepsy McGee and forced to tie her hair back and tuck it into the back of her shirt, so circus-goers would never for a second doubt that they were watching the footwork of a young boy from Cork. Myself, it was New York University, where I majored in political science, and Columbia University where I received an MFA in the written word.

* * *

Wrote: A Running Log of the Premiere Episode of the 7th Season of NCIS (Show I Have Never Before Seen) (issue 2); An Email to Those I Left Behind (issue 1); Upcoming Headlines From the Headlines Team (issue 1)

I General Social Data

Your name? Wife’s given and maiden name? Husband’s given name? Full names of children? Names of all other members of the household, and their relation to you? My soon-to-be ex-wife is called Claire. Just me and the other me who freaks out just as the light goes off and worries about money, my failed marriage, and my lack of children.

II Physical and Mental Conditions

Is the importance of regular sleep, bathing, care of the teeth, and regular action of the bowels appreciated? Enough to not be the stinky guy on the subway. But I smoke, so I’m the guy who stinks of cigarettes on the subway. I don’t sleep enough, I sometimes can’t be bothered to get out of bed to brush my teeth if I forgot to do it before getting comfy. Regular action is what magazines were invented for.

III Industrial History

What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? Currently a self-employed artist/illustrator/writer. Previously a telesales monkey for a music distribution company, a record store snob, and a supermarket warehouse box-mover.

IV Education

What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training? None. I studied jewellery design at the University of Derby in the UK. I wish I’d paid more attention to geography and history at school.

* * *

Wrote: Craig Robinson’s Quarterly Report – Steven Seagal (issue 1)

• Read original poem “Fall is Nice” over intercom to entire Robinson Elementary student body in 1988.
• Saw that thing at the mall that you really like — you know the reddish one — and almost bought it for you, but didn’t.

* * *

In an effort to get to know our contributors better, we asked them to fill out a survey adapted from the the gripping, must-read social work of 1917: Social Diagnosis by Mary Ellen Richmond. (Basically, Angels and Demons, but even more nuanced). After receiving their answers (excerpted below), we regretted asking, but magazines don’t write themselves.

I General Social Data

Your name? Wife’s given and maiden name? Husband’s given name? Full names of children? Names of all other members of the household, and their relation to you? Agathe Whitehead Von Trapp, though I fear she is taking ill and shall soon be replaced, ideally with an ex-clergywoman; No children yet, but anticipate Liesl, Louisa, Friedrich, Kurt, Brigitta, Marta, Gretl; I prefer not to acknowledge the help.

II Physical and Mental Conditions

What attention is given to personal hygiene and health by you? My wife in concert with the help, which I am still choosing not to acknowledge, handle most of such matters. I’m too busy making sure we don’t get captured by fucking Nazis! Got it? Gut!

III Industrial History

What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? Like I was saying before, let me ask YOU a question: Have you ever had to nail a chorus, like really fucking nail it, at a premiere concert hall – all the while knowing that after the show you’re going to have to sneak through the Austrian hillside just to stay alive? That’s pressure, my friend

IV Education

What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training? As a decorated war hero, prominent community leader, reknowned troubadour, not to mention a baron and all-around badass, I find this query insulting.

* * *

Wrote: A Confusing Discussion About Dessert Preferences on a Loud F Train (issue 2); Joke Nook! (issue 2); Percentage of Venn Diagram Jokes That Have Already Been Done as of April 2010 (issue 2); On Taking Things Too Far: Abusing a Girlfriend’s Good Humor (issue 1); Getting Real with Greg Volk (issue 1); Bad Love Songs Written by a… (issue 1)

• Data-entered application information for 80 prospective employees when the average was around 40. Have mailed off 86 separate FedEx mailings, above the average performance of about 50. But my work experience revealed a greater accomplishment: my body’s astounding tolerance for scotch and Valium.
• Nobel Prize-winning autor of How I Found Happiness in a Godless World and Finding Comport in Crushing Loneliness

* * *

In an effort to get to know our contributors better, we asked them to fill out a survey adapted from the the gripping, must-read social work of 1917: Social Diagnosis by Mary Ellen Richmond. (Basically, Angels and Demons, but even more nuanced). After receiving their answers (excerpted below), we regretted asking, but magazines don’t write themselves.

I General Social Data

Your name? Wife’s given and maiden name? Husband’s given name? Full names of children? Names of all other members of the household, and their relation to you? Michael Yarsky, of course. No one else in this household but me.

II Physical and Mental Conditions

Is the importance of regular sleep, bathing, care of the teeth, and regular action of the bowels appreciated? Personal hygiene and health is, of course, tantamount to contentment. While I do value regularity, prevention of the yellowing of the teeth, and a healthy sleep cycle, bathing is not a top priority for two reasons. One, I do not break a sweat due to a nonexistent history of physical exertion, and two, I smell like this naturally. (Wink wink).

III Industrial History

What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? As a recent college graduate, it goes without saying that I am unemployed. I did, however, do some administrative and operational work for both a recruitment firm and the university I attended.

IV Education

What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training? I grew up in a phalanstery so I did not acquire any traditional education, however I did help manage a labor-oriented co-op. This, I think, could count for vocational training by proxy.

* * *

Wrote: Re-Imaginings of Classic Novels Inspired by Typos (issues 1 and 2); Quiz Corner: Quote From Nietzsche, or Message in a Fortune Cookie? (issue 2); The Misanthropic School of Advertising (issue 2); The Richard Dawkins Delusion by God (issue 1)