I’m 50, and I’ve been a smoker all my life. I’ve been thinking of quitting, but at this point, will it really do any good?
–Laura Davis, Seattle, Wash.

You’ve been a smoker all your life—like, from the cradle? You were a baby smoker? I’m not going to answer your question if you’re going to predicate it on lies. Okay, I will, and: no, not really. Puff away, my good man.

Anyway, I actually have a question for you: do you know anything about administering dialysis in a cave? No reason, just curious.

Can you hook me up with that medicinal marijuana? I have really bad … glaucoma. That’s it: glaucoma…
–Robbie H., New York, NY

Dad, is that you? I’m Dr. Health, not Dr. Feelgood! But for you … maybe.

I work as a salesperson and spend a lot of time on my feet. Over the years, I’ve developed some severe pains, and the special insoles my doctor has given me don’t seem to help. Should I do something more drastic like surgery? Could I change the way that I walk?
–Karen Huerta, Memphis, Tenn.

Is this a serious question? Change the way you walk? Why are you a salesperson? Because you’re in thrall to your infidel society’s idea of what makes you a productive member of society, that’s why. Break free of those bonds, and recognize your true master, and then your feet shall ache no more.

Also, if you could, send me some basic info on administering dialysis. I should have a PDF on my laptop. If you could write my husband, or my sister, they should be able to help. I haven’t heard from them in weeks, and I just forgot to ask my dad.

Recently, we have become aware of certain activities and clients of yours that might be of interest to us. Now, you can play this one of two ways. You can do right, and join us, or you can continue your dance with treason, and pay the consequences. We’ll contact you.
–[redacted], Central Intelligence Agency, Langley, Va.

…

Yes, this is about your friend. In the cave. With the long beard …
–[redacted], Central Intelligence Agency, Langley, Va.

Oh, right. Um … Santa?

Nice try. We have your cave surrounded by Predator drones. Surrender.
–[redacted], Central Intelligence Agency, Langley, Va.

Never!!! (Okay.)