September 12, 1957

Dear Diary,

I love my dog, Sandy. He licks my face. We play fetch.

This morning when I threw the bone into the street, Sandy ran to get it. Just then Mrs. Jenkins came around the corner in her Toyota and ran over Sandy. I called out but it was too late, and now Sandy is dead. I rushed to Mrs. Jenkins, who asked me to hold her Corona while she inspected the car. We cried out in shared agony when we saw that the fender had a slight dent. I can still see the passenger side mirror, which was a little askew. Tonight I will not sleep. Is there a heaven for car parts?

Tragically,
Joe

* * * * *

March 1, 1989

Dear Diary,

Every morning when I go out to get the paper I see my next door neighbor, Hal. I’ve always liked him. We chat about politics, lawn care and baseball. He likes the White Sox, but what can you do?

Well, tonight when I came home from work his driveway was crowded with police cars. People stood outside, craning their necks and muttering rumors, and when I finally waded up to the front door a cop told me the news: for years Hal had been hiding six young children in his basement, keeping them as costumed servants and never once letting them see the light of day. My heart sank and a lump rose in my throat: when Lily and I first moved to Austin we looked at that house and deemed it just out of our price range. And it is with an especial pang of remorse that I note that it was the basement we loved most of all. In its reasonably high ceilings, laundry facilities and half-bathroom we saw such potential! I remember thinking, “this is a place where we could be happy,” and I somehow doubt those kids made the most of it.

Is there no God?
Joe

* * * * *

June 18, 2009

Dear Diary,

Last night at 3 am the phone rang. It was my brother Robert. Before he spoke a deep sob came through the line, and immediately I knew: Mother was sick. The doctor said it was only a matter of days.

I hung up the phone and dialed the cable company. I had to call ten times before someone picked up. Mother has always had a phenomenal bundled cable package with Cable City, known as the Triple Crown: cable TV, phone, and high-speed Internet for only $19.99 a month. It’s unreal. She got the deal because she signed up with Cable City in its early days, and they never raised her rates. When I finally got an actual human being on the phone and explained the situation he said no, they couldn’t transfer the deal to me at the moment of Mother’s death. Those rates, he said, are simply no longer available. Her own flesh and blood! I offered to drive to the company’s offices right then to show photo documents proving my lineage, to no avail. Policy is policy, the man said, and I felt a coldness come over my body as I realized that the deal would die with her. It’s so unfair: she didn’t even know how to use the Internet!

Still paying $49.99,
Joe

See also: Riding the Tiger: An Editorial Note from Whimpleton

Using these historical records, our team of dance historians have recreated these legendary (if elusive) moves for the very first time.

Additionally, our dance historians managed to unearth this newsreel featuring never-before-seen footage of one of the dances…

Appears in Whim Quarterly Issue #2. Written by Paul Underwood. Photographs by Ashley Macknica and Joel Barhamand. Dancers: Jocelyn Hansmann and Paul Fears. Video produced by Brock Mahan.

The time has come to clear up a rumor that’s been circling me and Whim Quarterly like a vulture. It’s not easy for me to admit this, but:

I, too, slept with Tiger Woods.

We met while playing in a charity celebrity pro-am at Shinnecock Hills. I was paired with Lee Trevino, Tiger with Richard Karn. Neither of us cared much for our partner and it showed. As a foursome, we raised, at most, $1,200 for autism research. The electricity between Tiger and me, however, was undeniable.

We stayed in contact with each other, our correspondence growing more flirtatious with every exchange. One weekend last August, we finally consummated the relationship. Several times. I’m not proud of it. My poor decision making has caused immeasurable pain for my family and my co-workers and I am in process of making amends for this unacceptable behavior.

In the interest of closing the book on this unfortunate chapter in my life, I have decided to go public with texts Tiger sent me over the course of that torrid weekend.

Thanks for letting me get this out,

Whimpleton

See also: Earl and Whimpleton

Whim: So. How’ve you been?

J.D. Salinger: In all honesty, I’ve been great.

W: Really?

JDS: Yes. I get up every day at 6, go for a run, and come back to my desk and write for a few hours. Sometimes until sundown if I get carried away.

W: You’ve been writing all this time?

JDS: Uh-huh.

W: But you haven’t published anything for 40 years.

JDS: Actually … that’s not true. Tell me: are you familiar with Harry Potter?

W: Sure. Are you telling me …?

JDS: Yep. I wrote the second one, Chamber of Secrets. Come to think of it, I wrote all of the books after that.

W: What?

JDS: Yep. You honestly think that phony Jo Rowling knew how to string a sentence together?

W: Ha, wow.

JDS: You seem shocked.

W: It’s a pretty stunning revelation. Like finding out Harper Lee wrote Twilight.

JDS: That was me, too.

W: You wrote Twilight?!

JDS: Just the book, not the film. Let’s just say that this Pattinson fellow is not how I pictured Edward. Ok?

W: Wow. Ok. What else… have you been working on anything original during this time?

JDS: Oh, sure, sure. But honestly, the contract work really piles up.

W: Contract work?

JDS: NBC, ABC, Sony Universal. Hell, why do you think it takes so long between seasons of Lost?

W: You write for Lost?

JDS: Write for Lost? I created Lost. Hey, that smoke monster was quite the twist, wasn’t it?

W: Oh, come on. I suppose you also wrote Seinfeld, Encyclopedia Brown, and The Godfather Trilogy, too.

JDS: Encyclopedia Brown was originally going to be a member of the Glass family. Their know-it-all cousin Ralphie. As for Seinfeld, technically, I was a just supervising producer, though I’d do punch up from time to time. Pynchon actually wrote most of the episodes.

W: You might as well claim “Hey Ya” while you’re at it.

JDS: Ah, right. I made great use of simile on that one.

W: I don’t believe any of this. How do I even know you’re really J.D. Salinger?

JDS: Of course I am.

W: Prove it.

JDS (fishing in his pockets for ID): Uh … phony. Um … bananafish.

W: Shouting your catchphrases isn’t going to work.

JDS (sighing): You know, this is why I don’t do this kind of thing. I feel sorry as hell for people like you.

[With a poof, J.D. Salinger disappears into a cloud of smoke.]

Now, with NBC’s late night line-up once again in turmoil, Whim Quarterly has learned a sequel is in the works. With apologies to Conan, we’re proud to announce who’ll be playing whom in this brand-new made-for-TV movie…

The role of Jay Leno will be played by Spanish director Pedro Almodovar*

The role of Jay’s sidekick Kevin Eubanks will be played by comedian Dave Chappelle

The head of NBC, Jeff Zucker, will be played by former White House press secretary Ari Fleischer

Embattled Tonight Show host Conan O’Brien will be portrayed by Bob’s Big Boy

Conan’s sidekick and announcer Andy Richter will be played by Oscar-winning actor Philip Seymour Hoffman

Tonight Show bandleader Max Weinberg will be played by Baby Sinclair from Jim Henson’s Dinosaurs

New kid on the block Jimmy Fallon will be played by the Mac from the “Get a Mac” campaign

The role of the NBC Peacock will be played by Izzy, the mascot for the 1996 Summer Olympics

Television’s Carson Daly will be played cinder block found in an empty lot

And finally…

Character actor Bob Balaban will reprise his role as former NBC executive Warren Littlefield

*Almodovar will also be directing the HBO Latino version of the remake, El Cambio Tarde Dos.