2. Southampton Double Wife

3. It Gets Bitter

4. Harvey’s Milk Stout

5. Paul Lyndemans Framboise

6. Dale’s Pal Al

7. Altlifestylebier

8. Something Borrowed, Something Brewed

9. Stellas’ Amour

10. Adam & Steve’s Nuptiale

11. Slam Dyklewifezen

12. Stonewall Anniversary Ale

13. Beer as Folk

14. Stout of the Closet

15. The Witte Swan

16. Bearfest

17. Bottoms Up Lager

18. Rainbow Braggot

19. Liberation Libation

20. Hoppy Days Are Here…Finally

Daylight Squandering Time
Daylight hours between eleven a.m. and five p.m. on Sundays shall be earmarked for the watching of Law & Order re-runs, Storage Wars marathons, TNT broadcasts of Predator (or other early works in the Schwarzenegger oeuvre), or sundry “low mental impact” entertainments. Anyone to exclaim, “You’re just gonna sit on the couch all day? It’s beautiful out!” shall receive non-verbal grunting, and be exiled to enjoy the weather alone, sans sunscreen.

Nightlight Saving Time
If one spouse should go to bed before the other, a nightlight shall be deployed as a reasonable compromise between the darkness preferred for sleep and the illumination needed to avoid catastrophic shin injuries when the latter partner has to stumble in over all those shoes. In return, the night owl cedes the right to be cranky in the morning, especially since he was probably just staying up to surreptitiously watch a re-run of HBO’s Real Sex.

Midnight Saving Time
We know that midnight is technically 12 a.m. and noon is technically 12 p.m., but that just seems wrong doesn’t it? Stop being so pedantic about it. Jeez.

DMV Saving Time
During one month of the year, Department of Motor Vehicle offices, banks, doctors, post offices and like vital services shall be compelled to stay open during hours that allow actual working people to avail themselves of said services. This shall be achieved by sneaking in each night in the preceding weeks and setting all of the clocks back a scant five minutes, so as not to arouse suspicion. If, during said nightly office break-ins, one was to place a spoiled ham in the desk of that DMV lady who always gives you the stink eye, we promise not to say anything.

Aging Party Host Saving Time
Guests shall show up at the exact listed start time. We aren’t goddamn twenty anymore. The later you come, the later we get to bed, and that affects our Daylight Squandering Time.

Time Travel Saving Time
Should time travel be invented, the government shall take responsibility for all Hitler-killing initiatives, whether by sniper rifle, preventing his parents from coupling via quantum clock-block technologies, or simply publishing cruel reviews of his paintings in his art school newspaper until he commits suicide. The Hitler-killing onus thus placed elsewhere, civillian time travelers are at liberty to focus on their own personal happiness (i.e., stealing future lottery numbers).

Saving Time from Time Travel
When the world economy collapses from widespread inflation caused by time travel lottery abuse, stock market speculation, and compound interest exploitation (depositing a penny in a bank hundreds of years in the past, then zipping to the future to reap the gains), the government shall be allowed to step in and take your time machine, admonishing, “See–this is why we can’t have nice things.”

Internet Comment Time Reimbursement
All time spent reading Internet comments (to pick an example completely at random: an angry reader complaining about a humor essay) should be deemed “wasted” time, and shall be returned to the reader at the end of life. No time shall be reimbursed to the writer of said internet comments, as they clearly have a surplus of it.

Her own goddamn stapler
Available from: Staples
Price: $4.99
Reason: Honestly, is it that hard to keep track of things? This one will have her name on it which, knowing Susan, she’ll still manage to lose. No need to get her a Swingline. She’s going to fucking lose it eventually. You just know she’s going to.

What to get for…
Your alcoholic girlfriend:

Wine Stem Glass Holder
Available from: 2:30 a.m. infomercials
Price: $4.25 (plus S&H)
Reason: You know how when she’s really lit, she’ll carp about how you never buy her any jewelry? Think of this like a charm bracelet, only it’s worn around the neck and the trinkets make you forget instead of remember.

What to get for…
The man in your life:

A nice pair of slacks
Available from: A haberdashery
Price: Varies depending on number of pleats
Reason: His jeans are worn out in the seat and he spilled turkey chili all over the front of his Dockers at Donna’s holiday party last Saturday. Spare your man a trip to Costco by picking out some pants for him. 38×30 sounds about right.

What to get for…
The man’s man in your life:

Some chump to punch
Available from: Any bar around closing time
Price: A settlement in small claims court
Reason: This is really a present for you. After all, that chump won’t be able to make eyes at you if they’re swollen shut, right?

What to get for…
Your friend who still won’t stop talking about The Wire:

Bus ticket to Baltimore
Available from: Greyhound
Price: Varies, but plenty of seats still available
Reason: Perfect for the person who loves “gritty realism” and dissecting someone else’s dissection of urban America’s post-industrial decline. He’ll get to hang with Snoop on “da corner” and practice his newly acquired inner city vernacular. Maybe, just maybe, seeing what it’s really like will shut him up. And with a little luck, maybe he won’t come back.

What to get for…
Lloyd Dobler:

A pen
Available from: The pen holder on your desk
Price: Free
Reason: A black Uni-Ball Vision with retractable micro-tip nib is the perfect reciprocal gift for Lloyd’s heart.

What to get for…
The woman who you thought was your mother, but later learned she was actually your maternal grandmother and that your real mom was the woman you thought was your older sister:

Eric Clapton’s “Crossroads” 4-CD box set
Available from: Music stores nationwide
Price: Under $30
Reason: In the (unlikely) event you can’t find this taking up space in a clearance bin somewhere, a gift of any Jack Nicholson movie would suffice. Anger Management seems apropos.

What to get for…
Your friend who is clearly a lumberjack:

An axe
Available from: Home Depot
Price: $69.99
Reason: He wears flannel shirts, canvas pants and leather work boots all the time. What other conclusion can be drawn? Why else would he need that hat with the ear flaps? Brr! It’s cold on them thar hills. And this way he won’t have to actually use the axe he already has decoratively hung below his second-hand moose head.

What to get for…
All the bad little girls and boys on your list:

Scorpions
Available from: Most deserts in the American Southwest
Price: Free, if you have quick hands
Reason: All things considered, it’s probably a healthier stocking stuffer than coal. Plus, it’s an easy way to teach those brats the old Boy Scout safety tip of checking all footwear before putting it on.

Reprimand
This most common of punishments, which carries no actual consequences, calls for House Ethics Committee members to take “a few days” to read aloud the representative’s infractions and “really lay into him.” It was implemented in 1842 to combat widespread perceptions of Congress as a bastion of inefficiency and grandstanding.

Comeuppance
The purpose of this punishment is to deprive the offending representative of some of the most wonderful perks of being an elected official, especially those that are considered extremely impressive and even attractive by those who don’t work on Capitol Hill. For example, the representative loses the right to refer to his or her workplace as “my chambers.” Also lost: the right to refer to his or her private parts as “my chambers.”

Banishment
Relieved of lawmaking duties over a long weekend, the representative is instructed to check into the Alexandria Radisson. If the representative asks for a king-size bed, the front desk clerk, who has been briefed in advance, offers his apologies that none are available, even though there are quite a few available.

Sweetbread Surprise
In this particularly devious punishment, the offending representative is invited to a party with all his friends. However, the representative is told that his best friend cannot make it. Champagne and sweetbreads are served. After a time, the party guests to begin to gossip and spread terrible rumors about the absent friend, at which point the representative joins in, at first reluctantly and then with considerable jollity. Just then the guests explain, to the representative’s horror, that the best friend has been there all along, and wheel out the corpse as a big band plays “I Got Rhythm.”

Telephone
In this humiliating exercise, the representative stands alone on the House floor as his colleagues are seated around him in the chamber. The House speaker whispers a sentence into the ear of the person sitting next to him, who in turn whispers it into the ear of the person sitting next to him, and so on, until it reaches the last person in the room, who then walks down to the House floor and “pantses” the representative.

Disappointment
Here, the representative is made to stand before an assemblage of moms. Opinions differ on how many moms should be present; when the House formally expressed Disappointment with Representative Stymie Hash in 1876, there were more than four hundred. The moms must repeatedly use the word “potential” and unfavorably compare the representative to other better-behaved representatives or, ideally, his or her older sibling in the Senate. This goes on for six hours, after which the representative does the dishes.

Talking-To
Often confused with Disappointment, this punishment dictates that the representative must be referred to as “Mister,” or, in the case of a female representative, “Young Lady.” Alternatively, the Ethics Committee members may elect to refer to the representative by his or her full name for the duration of the proceedings. If a representative lacks a middle name, or cannot afford one, one will be provided at government expense, though naturally it will not be a distinguished, euphonious middle name like Winston but something like Gippman or, in extreme cases, Ralph.

Expulsion
Frequently and erroneously considered the most severe punishment meted out by the House, this action requires a two-thirds vote. Permanently relieved of lawmaking duties, the representative is taken out onto the Capitol steps, blindfolded and given a satchel containing nothing but a copy of the Financial Times and a wrapped loaf of ciabatta. He is told to walk six thousand paces before removing the blindfold. When he removes it, he sees that he is not in downtown Washington, D.C., but deep in a densely wooded area, and that the bread is not ciabatta, but in fact olive loaf.

A Spanking
This humiliating, though rarely employed, punishment must take place in a public park during the lunch hour. The House speaker brings the paddle. It does not matter who brings the haddock.

1. Brooklyn Bridge-City Maul
2. Disemboweling Green
3. Torture Chambers Street
4. Third Degree Burnside Avenue
5. Gore-imer Street
6. Hell-ham Bay Park
7. 90th St./Nightmare on Elmhurst Avenue
8. Franklinstein Street
9. Avenue M Is for Murder
10. Snapped Neck Road
11. Off with His Sheepshead Bay
12. Deadford Park Boulevard
13. Killwell Avenue/Boney Island
14. Not-So-Grand Street
15. 81st Street/Museum of Unnatural History

The Boneless Gondolier
Rumored to roam the canals of Venice, this gelatinous fellow is truly disgusting to behold. Fortunately, as long as you stay out of his boat, you’ll be safe, since his lack of skeleton makes it impossible to give chase, or to operate the oar.

The Fingernail-less Bartender
This gruesome specter loves to bedevil alcoholics by waiting for a patron to order a beer, then making grand show of being unable to pop open the can without a fingernail to gain leverage. This is why most paranormal experts recommend ordering drafts.

The Tasteless Movie Critic
This diabolical specimen was responsible for you going to see Life as We Know It starring Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel.

The Heartless Hooker
While Hollywood may have popularized the hooker with a heart of gold archetype, this sexy/deadly young pro feels nothing but distain for you. Of course, that’s pretty normal for hookers. The horror comes when you discover she’s also vagina-less, which is going to impede your plans for the evening. Thus, the Vagina-less Hooker would probably be more apt, but it lacks alliterative zing.

The Skinless Chicken Breast
This reanimated chicken breast is fabled to roam the north woods, slithering over people’s mouths while they sleep, leaving a trail of salmonella in its wake. However, legend has it that the true of heart can catch it, cook it and be rewarded with a high-protein, low-fat weekday meal.

The Philtral Dimple-less Blind Date
Stalking the pages of Match.com, this ghoul looks passably cute in photographs, but when you meet up for tapas, you feel there’s something vaguely creepy about her. Eventually you realize it’s that she lacks the little divot under her nose. Despite this, you decide to go on a second date, but she never calls you back. And after YOU were willing to overlook her weird nose thing. How DARE she?

September 12, 1957

Dear Diary,

I love my dog, Sandy. He licks my face. We play fetch.

This morning when I threw the bone into the street, Sandy ran to get it. Just then Mrs. Jenkins came around the corner in her Toyota and ran over Sandy. I called out but it was too late, and now Sandy is dead. I rushed to Mrs. Jenkins, who asked me to hold her Corona while she inspected the car. We cried out in shared agony when we saw that the fender had a slight dent. I can still see the passenger side mirror, which was a little askew. Tonight I will not sleep. Is there a heaven for car parts?

Tragically,
Joe

* * * * *

March 1, 1989

Dear Diary,

Every morning when I go out to get the paper I see my next door neighbor, Hal. I’ve always liked him. We chat about politics, lawn care and baseball. He likes the White Sox, but what can you do?

Well, tonight when I came home from work his driveway was crowded with police cars. People stood outside, craning their necks and muttering rumors, and when I finally waded up to the front door a cop told me the news: for years Hal had been hiding six young children in his basement, keeping them as costumed servants and never once letting them see the light of day. My heart sank and a lump rose in my throat: when Lily and I first moved to Austin we looked at that house and deemed it just out of our price range. And it is with an especial pang of remorse that I note that it was the basement we loved most of all. In its reasonably high ceilings, laundry facilities and half-bathroom we saw such potential! I remember thinking, “this is a place where we could be happy,” and I somehow doubt those kids made the most of it.

Is there no God?
Joe

* * * * *

June 18, 2009

Dear Diary,

Last night at 3 am the phone rang. It was my brother Robert. Before he spoke a deep sob came through the line, and immediately I knew: Mother was sick. The doctor said it was only a matter of days.

I hung up the phone and dialed the cable company. I had to call ten times before someone picked up. Mother has always had a phenomenal bundled cable package with Cable City, known as the Triple Crown: cable TV, phone, and high-speed Internet for only $19.99 a month. It’s unreal. She got the deal because she signed up with Cable City in its early days, and they never raised her rates. When I finally got an actual human being on the phone and explained the situation he said no, they couldn’t transfer the deal to me at the moment of Mother’s death. Those rates, he said, are simply no longer available. Her own flesh and blood! I offered to drive to the company’s offices right then to show photo documents proving my lineage, to no avail. Policy is policy, the man said, and I felt a coldness come over my body as I realized that the deal would die with her. It’s so unfair: she didn’t even know how to use the Internet!

Still paying $49.99,
Joe

See also: Riding the Tiger: An Editorial Note from Whimpleton

Using these historical records, our team of dance historians have recreated these legendary (if elusive) moves for the very first time.

Additionally, our dance historians managed to unearth this newsreel featuring never-before-seen footage of one of the dances…

Appears in Whim Quarterly Issue #2. Written by Paul Underwood. Photographs by Ashley Macknica and Joel Barhamand. Dancers: Jocelyn Hansmann and Paul Fears. Video produced by Brock Mahan.