II Physical and Mental Conditions
What attention is given to personal hygiene and health by you? My wife in concert with the help, which I am still choosing not to acknowledge, handle most of such matters. I’m too busy making sure we don’t get captured by fucking Nazis! Got it? Gut!

III Industrial History
What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? Like I was saying before, let me ask YOU a question: Have you ever had to nail a chorus, like really fucking nail it, at a premiere concert hall – all the while knowing that after the show you’re going to have to sneak through the Austrian hillside just to stay alive? That’s pressure, my friend

IV Education
What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training? As a decorated war hero, prominent community leader, reknowned troubadour, not to mention a baron and all-around badass, I find this query insulting.

II Physical and Mental Conditions
What attention is given to personal hygiene and health by you? Personal hygiene: 87% accuracy.

Is the importance of regular sleep, bathing, care of the teeth, and regular action of the bowels appreciated? Sleep: on the couch between the hours of 8:15 and 10:47PM, followed by additional sleep in bed; Care of the teeth: 68% compliance (points deducted for improper use of mouthwash); Bowel action: exciting!

III Industrial History
What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? An institution in which visual representations of religious figures are strongly discouraged. Previous: school for white girls.

IV Education
What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training? Recipient of advanced degree from private institution at a cost of $235 per month for the next several decades. No vocational training; Spouse: Reluctant degree recipient.

II Physical and Mental Conditions
What attention is given to personal hygiene and health by you? Sometimes if I don’t punch enough shit for like a week I gotta SNARL and bite off the rust that grows on my diamound-encrusted KNUCKLE!!!! but that is never the case. Also I take baths.

Is the importance of regular sleep, bathing, care of the teeth, and regular action of the bowels appreciated? THIS question AGAIN?!!

III Industrial History
What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? I Worked as a TITANIUM MINER for MANY years. and then I began a dancing business but this was dislodged from the earth when I was sent to PRESIDANTIAL DUNGEON.

IV Education
What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training? Yes but I didnt use the vocational training because I already knew the training.

II Physical and Mental Conditions
Is the importance of regular sleep, bathing, care of the teeth, and regular action of the bowels appreciated? Enough to not be the stinky guy on the subway. But I smoke, so I’m the guy who stinks of cigarettes on the subway. I don’t sleep enough, I sometimes can’t be bothered to get out of bed to brush my teeth if I forgot to do it before getting comfy. Regular action is what magazines were invented for.

III Industrial History
What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? Currently a self-employed artist/illustrator/writer. Previously a telesales monkey for a music distribution company, a record store snob, and a supermarket warehouse box-mover.

IV Education
What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training? None. I studied jewellery design at the University of Derby in the UK. I wish I’d paid more attention to geography and history at school.

II Physical and Mental Conditions
Is the importance of regular sleep, bathing, care of the teeth, and regular action of the bowels appreciated? I have a strong and abiding affection for all the hygienical arts.

III Industrial History
What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? Longstanding writer, producer, and editor of written works in a variety of formats and venues. Won a Daytime Emmy for writing on Cash Cab. Suffer occasional lapses into sobriety.

IV Education
What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training? Graduated Harvard in 2001, undertook vocational training at the European Film College in Denmark 2003-04.

II Physical and Mental Conditions
Is the importance of regular sleep, bathing, care of the teeth, and regular action of the bowels appreciated? Regular action of the bowels is appreciated on the highest order. My appreciation of other aspects of hygiene shall be listed in descending fashion: regular sleep, bathing, care of teeth, removal of boogers.

III Industrial History
What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? I practice the law — quickly, with varying degrees of accuracy. I am very regularly devoid of any sobriety.

IV Education
What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training? David Hasselhoff received two degrees from Pup Scouts Ltd. My wife and I have law degrees. My father was a baker and a fiend, and my mom got scared.

II Physical and Mental Conditions
Is the importance of regular sleep, bathing, care of the teeth, and regular action of the bowels appreciated? I clean my teeth with a paste provided to me (at a cost) by the Colgate Company. When applied with a bristled brush, the paste becomes a foam which I rub on the front and back of my teeth, while pushing some in the spaces between the teeth. Additionally, I use a special paper in the moments directly after a bowel movement to clean any remaining feces from my anus, going perhaps an eighth of an inch INTO the actual anus to be sure that all feces has effectively been removed, and that the anus is spotless until my next movement. Regular action of the bowels is always, always appreciated. (For post-bowel action practices, please see above.)

III Industrial History
What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? As an unknown cable television personality, I enjoy such luxuries as wearing make-up and enjoying free bottled water and Harvest Cheddar-flavored Sunchips.

IV Education
What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training? My wife was trained as a step dancer in the McGuinty Brothers Traveling Irish Circus, where she was known as Stepsy McGee and forced to tie her hair back and tuck it into the back of her shirt, so circus-goers would never for a second doubt that they were watching the footwork of a young boy from Cork. Myself, it was New York University, where I majored in political science, and Columbia University where I received an MFA in the written word.

II Physical and Mental Conditions
Is the importance of regular sleep, bathing, care of the teeth, and regular action of the bowels appreciated? Physical and mental condition is tenuous, teeth in disrepair.

III Industrial History
What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? Employed by the esteemed UrbanDaddy.com, the father of us all. Work is performed with vigor and zeal.

IV Education
What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training? Trained as a mimeographer until the age of 8.

II Physical and Mental Conditions
Is the importance of regular sleep, bathing, care of the teeth, and regular action of the bowels appreciated? Personal hygiene and health is, of course, tantamount to contentment. While I do value regularity, prevention of the yellowing of the teeth, and a healthy sleep cycle, bathing is not a top priority for two reasons. One, I do not break a sweat due to a nonexistent history of physical exertion, and two, I smell like this naturally. (Wink wink).

III Industrial History
What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? As a recent college graduate, it goes without saying that I am unemployed. I did, however, do some administrative and operational work for both a recruitment firm and the university I attended.

IV Education
What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training? I grew up in a phalanstery so I did not acquire any traditional education, however I did help manage a labor-oriented co-op. This, I think, could count for vocational training by proxy.

II Physical and Mental Conditions
Is the importance of regular sleep, bathing, care of the teeth, and regular action of the bowels appreciated? Appreciated but not required. We leave it up to the customer’s discretion.

III Industrial History
What was your work record at these places for speed, accuracy, regularity, sobriety? The speed, accuracy, and regularity of my lack of sobriety was legendary.

IV Education
What was the education of each worker in your family? Did you have any vocational training? I graduated from the school of hard knocks. What do you think of THAT, ivory tower comedy magazine? My writing has appeared via the airwaves on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, NPR’s Morning Edition, and Seattle public radio’s Rewind. It has appeared via the Internetwaves* at Modern Humorist and Gawker and through my bad-movie podcast The Flop House and my webseries 9 AM Meeting. You may have seen me via the stagewaves* in Mr. Whitepants’ Comedy Hour, Sara Schaefer is Obsessed With You, or The Primetime Kalan. Finally I last appeared in printwaves* as a regular contributor to NYC’s late, lamented humor magazine, Jest. I sincerely hope this magazine survives longer than that one. (*These are not words.)