I work in a KFC and we’ve been getting a lot of girls in here ever since we started selling the Double Down. The problem is I don’t know what to say to them to spark up a conversation. Any chance you know any KFC-themed double entendres I could use?
-Greasy in Greenville

Greasy,

Finally. I’m finally feeling like I can do some good for the world.

How about:

- Applying the secret herbs and spices
- Coloneling her Sanders
- Spraying gravy on the mashed potatoes

and of course…

- Fingerblasting Good

***

I’m sitting here staring at a plate with a hot dog and a donut on it (look, it’s a long story. My ma, she don’t hear too good). It seems like there should be a joke here, but I can’t figure it out. Any ideas?

I wish I was funnier.
-Kip

Hey Kip,

No worries, your boy Vinnie is here to help. Here’s the joke: Vinnie Meatballs fucked your mom while she was making your dinner.

MEATBALLS!

***

No question, just a heads up: My dad found out what you did with my mom and he is PISSED.
-Your Pal in Passaic

Pal,

Thanks bro, but I don’t think your dad found out what I did with your mom. If he had, he wouldn’t be pissed, he’d be impressed. MEATBALLS!

***

CORRECTION: In last week’s column, Mr. Meatballs wrote, “That’s why I like to think about Ringo Starr while I bang your mom” In fact, Mr. Meatballs likes to think about Pete Best while he bangs your mom. MEATBALLS!

Want your questions answered by Vinnie? Write to him at vinniemeatballs@gmail.com or tell your mom to give him the message next time she sees him.

I’ve been depressed lately. I was hoping summer would make my blues go away, but it’s July and I’m sadder than ever. What can I do to cheer up?
-Bummed in Bay Ridge

Bummed,
A wise man once gave me some advice: depression goes away when you’re doing what you’re good at. For me, that’s getting laid. And it really does chase the blues away. Every time I get laid, that’s a solid 15 minutes that your mom is totally happy.

MEATBALLS!

***

My girlfriend and I graduated college last week, but we have very different plans for what to do in the fall. She’s moving down south for work, while me and some bros are getting an apartment together in Jersey City. We both agree that a long-term thing probably won’t work, but she wants to stay together until she leaves to see if anything changes. Honestly, I think it’s a waste of time, but two more months isn’t a big deal, right?
-Jersey Boi

Hey bro,
Maybe you got your schedule mixed up, because according to my calendar, your girlfriend moved south on me last night. MEATBALLS!

What you gotta do is test the limits of what she’s willing to do to keep you two together. Tell her you’ll stay together if she’s up for threesome with her best friend. She is? Make it a foursome with her sister, too. Keep going, adding cousins, aunts, babysitters, MMA ring girls, frozen yogurt attendants, local catalog models, etc., until you reach the level she says no to. Then scale it back a level, get hopped up on Xanex, and go for it. It worked for me with your girlfriend, sister, cousin, teacher, au pair, Verizon customer sevice rep, and great-grandma.

MEATBALLS!!

***

Do you play fantasy baseball? I’m wondering who I should put on my team as we get to the second half.
-Fantasizing in Fayetteville

Ballboy,
I don’t spend a lot of time on computers because Vinnie Meatballs doesn’t know his way around a keyboard too well. If I’m going to rapidly bang something with my fingers it’s going to be your mom. MEATBALLS!!!

Instead of playing “Fantasy Baseball,” why don’t you try playing “Fantasy Meatballs” – it’s the same only instead of winning when some roid monster hits a home run, you win when Vinnie Meatballs bangs your mom. And congrats, you won EVERY SINGLE DAY LAST WEEK.

MEAT… ah forget it.

***

CORRECTION: In last week’s column, Mr. Meatballs wrote, “That’s what I yell when I finish on your girlfriend’s chin.” In fact, it was what Mr. Meatballs yells when he finishes on your girlfriend’s knee. It’s what he’s into. MEATBALLS!

Want your questions answered by Vinnie? Write to him at vinniemeatballs@gmail.com or tell your mom to give him the message next time she sees him.

Has your lady ever caught you sticking your Italian sausage in someone else’s ciabatta? If so, what’s the best way to make the situation blow over?
-Philandering in Philadelphia

Philandering,
If you’re looking for advice on how to make things “blow over,” you should ask your wife, because she was blowing over here last night! MEATBALLS!

I don’t know how many times I gotta tell you jamooks this, but Vinnie Meatballs doesn’t cheat, because Vinnie Meatballs can’t be tied down. The only commitment I’m willing to make is 14 minutes of extreme pleasure, and whatever cab fare your sister needs to get back to her place afterwards.

But your real problem isn’t your love life, it’s your food. Italian sausage in ciabatta instead of with peppers over some pasta? Bah fungoo!

MEATBALLS!

***

My girlfriend is putting serious pressure on me to get her a puppy for her birthday. At first, I thought having a pet would bring us closer together, but the two of us can’t seem to agree on a breed. In fact, we argue about it so much, it’s making me think we’re not ready to take this step. What would a big dog like Vinnie do?
-Pooch-Lover in Park Slope

Poochie,
Your girlfriend deserves a puppy to play with – because I played with her puppies all weekend! MEATBALLS!

Get whatever kind of dog you want bro, I don’t give a shit. Just don’t get a cat – your boy Vinnie Meatballs is allergic to cats. I know, it’s ironic that a pussy magnet like me would, in fact, be allergic to pussy. That’s why your sister keeps a case of Claritin on her nightstand.

MEATBALLS!!

***

This fall I’m attending a destination wedding for a college buddy in the Caribbean. I’m already shelling out all sorts of money for the plane and hotel, am I still obligated to buy my friend a present too?
-Broke in Brooklyn

Broke,
Are they registered somewhere? If not, they should register. Tell them to check out justblewvinniemeatballs.com – I know your mom is registered there and loves it.

MEATBALLS!!!

***

CORRECTION: In last week’s column, Mr. Meatballs claimed to be “balls deep in your grandma.” In fact, Mr. Meatballs was “balls deep” in your great aunt. MEATBALLS!

Want your questions answered by Vinnie? Write to him at vinniemeatballs@gmail.com or tell your mom to give him the message next time she sees him.

Obviously having sex with someone who is not your girlfriend is cheating, but is fantasizing about another girl considered cheating? If not, is masturbation? If not, what about masturbating with someone else (no “cross-touching”)? If not, what about masturbating with someone else (yes “cross-touching”)? If not, what about being on the receiving end of a happy ending massage? Is there a line? If so, where do you draw it?
- Faithful in Falls Church

Faithful,
Where do I draw the line? I draw the line across your sister’s chin. With my spunk. MEATBALLS!

If your old lady won’t let you squeeze out a little cannoli cream without busting your balls about it, you need to seriously reconsider your life, bro. Nobody should tell you not to polish off your own Iroc-Z. Sometimes I polish off my Iroc-Z while I polish off my actual Iroc-Z. Wow, I just got all Stephen Hawking with that shit there. Somebody get me one of those chairs, baby!

Seriously though, I don’t know the answer to this question, because the only kind of relationship your boy V-Mizzie takes part in is more open than your grandmother’s legs. I don’t let a chick tell me I’m cheating unless I try to drop a “Q” into “nutsack” when we’re playing Scrabble. I love Scrabble. SCRABBLING MY LOAD ALL OVER YOUR SISTER’S CHIN!

MEATBALLS!

***

I’m a young woman of Indian descent studying here in the United States. A boy from a good family back home has asked for my hand in marriage and my parents are going to accept his offer.

My parents say that I will eventually love this boy, but last semester I met someone with whom I could see starting a life right now. I don’t know what to do. I want to honor my mother and father, but my heart tells me that they are wrong to force me into this. Can you help me?
-Conflicted at Cal Tech

Conflicted,
This is easy. What you gotta do is come spend a weekend in my A.C. timeshare – because you’ll never want to return to place with no beef once you’ve had MEATBALLS IN YOUR MOUTH. MEATBALLS!

Seriously though, you shouldn’t let your family force you into any romance you’re not into, unless your sister tries to talk you into a freaky family three-way with yours truly, Vin to the Meats. I’ve got a list of sex stuff I wanna try a mile long, and a “masala à trois” with two Indian sisters would take care of like half that shit.

For real, I’ve been On-Demanding Top Chef, and between Padma and that chick from Slumdog Millionaire, I REALLY want to bang a hot Indian chick. This assumes that you’re hot though, not some broad who looks like Indira Gandhi. I wouldn’t fuck that chick with Mother Teresa’s dick.

MEATBALLS!!

***

I don’t mind that my girlfriend is a vegetarian and she doesn’t mind that I’m not. However, the BS we have to go through deciding when and what to eat is ridiculous. Do you have a solution or is this a dealbreaker?
-Hungry in Huntsville

Hungry,
I don’t know what your girlfriend is trying to get away with by saying she’s a vegetarian. I can tell you for a fact that just last night she couldn’t wait to PUT MEATBALLS IN HER MOUTH.

MEATBALLS!!!

***

CORRECTION: In last week’s column, Mr. Meatballs wrote, “That’s what I said while I was banging your girlfriend.” In fact, it was what Mr. Meatballs said while he was banging your sister. MEATBALLS!

Want your questions answered by Vinnie? Write to him at vinniemeatballs@gmail.com or tell your mom to give him the message next time she sees him.