The Old Man and the Sex by Ernest Hemingway
Characterized by the masculine whining and muted pathos that permeates Hemingway’s other works, The Old Man and the Sex tells the story of a macho but self-pitying impotent man, Gernest Pemingway, who unwillingly travels the dating circuit in the hopes of finding his catch. Upon excusing himself from a friendly conversation to use the restroom, Pemingway finds upon his return that the woman of his drunken desires was surrounded by a circle of younger, handsomer men. With his already fragile ego crushed, Pemingway writes a story equating this scenario to the story of an old fisherman, and it becomes an instant classic.

The Sound and the Furry by William Faulkner
This classic Southern Gothic novel tells the story of Benjamin “Benjy” Compson, an intellectually dim man nursed by also-dim matriarchs Caddy and Dilsey. His dedication and submission to Caddy triggers his curiosity for psychosexual servitude, and his foray into fetishistic deviance leads him to discover his affinity for furries. In a cruel twist of fate, Benjy, dressed in a dog costume and roaming about the Compson yard, is mistaken for the Compson family pet, taken to the veterinarian, and castrated.

Our Mutant Friend by Charles Dickens
A scathing indictment of a London society devoid of justice, equity, and subtlety, Dickens’ swan-song tells the story of a curmudgeonly aristocrat who leaves his fortune to a deformed super-orphan. To become the legal proprietor of said funds, the orphan (David Pirrip Twist) must promise to improve both his powers and physical features before marrying the aristocrat’s daughter. David squanders his benefactor’s funds to attend an overpriced academy specializing in the education of mutants, and due to London’s persecution of mutants and insurmountable odds of class ascension, David is arrested and sent to mutant-debtor’s prison.

The Unbearable Lightness of Bling by Milan Kundera
This classic novel toys with Nietzsche’s concept of “eternal return” as experienced by the glamour-philes and Hollywood elite of present-day America. Tom, an aristocratic womanizer, spends most of his time competing with his elite colleagues to maintain the highest status of sexual prowess, athletic ability, fame, and luxury. However, he finds the pursuit futile and, in the grand scheme of things, inconsequential. Upon realizing that his actions possess no universal significance, Tom resigns from Hollywood prestige, forced to reconcile with a future making ironic cameos in VH1 specials.

Appears in issue #1 of Whim.

QUALIFIED TRUCK DRIVER NEEDED
The Bonesuckers are a band of cannibals scouting the outskirts of Boston for food and shelter. We are seeking someone with a Massachusetts Commercial Driver’s License (CDL) to take us and our cargo south for the winter. Must be able to drive for long periods of time, swear an oath of tribal loyalty (be an excellent team-player), and maintain a positive outlook despite global despair. Responsibilities predominantly include operating a vehicle and scavenging for gasoline, but some light cross-border smuggling may be required. Must have no reservations with the primal savagery of mankind in times of desperation. Skill with firearms strongly preferred. If interested, signal us from the Harbor Lighthouse.

PRIEST NEEDED AT ONLY CHURCH LEFT IN SOMERVILLE
St. Ann’s Parish, located on the smoldering rubble of what was Thurston Street, is looking for an ordained Catholic priest who is devoted to his faith despite this increasingly godless world. We need to accommodate an overwhelming demand from repenting non-believers for baptisms and confessions. The candidate should be able to absolve people from original sin in an efficient and timely manner. Must be comfortable performing funeral services for very large mass burials. There is some light travel to Cambridge’s military compound in order to perform last rites to the Infected they have under quarantine. We are very lax when considering actual qualifications. Please come as soon as possible, in whatever way you can.

SEA CAPTAIN NEEDED TO BUILD ANTARCTIC COLONY
Small but motivated group of post-Fallout revolutionaries wishes to sail to the world’s only radiation-free terrain in order to found a Utopian society. We wish to recruit a talented sea captain who possesses a proficiency in fire-making, the ability to cope with starvation, and a sense of humor when facing insurmountable odds of survival. The ideal candidate must be comfortable with the possibility of battling pirates. Due to our commitment to preserving the human species, we are looking for an individual of high sexual potency. Please come to Lansdowne Street during the next Fenway Park body-burning. You must provide your own boat.

BARISTA WANTED
Starbucks Coffee is looking for a self-motivated barista to work at our Boylston location. Voted #1 Most Miraculously Enduring Business Venture by Boston Bulletin two years in a row, Starbucks Coffee is a leading contender in today’s atrophying global market. We offer a competitive benefits package including: paid vacations, holidays, bonus food rations, and plague insurance. Starbucks is committed to satisfying its customers no matter what the circumstances. If interested, please inquire at any of our 63 Boston locations.

If you would like to post a classified, you can radio us with the transceiver we planted at the WMJX building. Because of the risk of looting by roving gangs of bandits, we do not currently accommodate in-person requests at the Bulletin bunker. If anyone out there is actually reading this, please send a rescue squad.

In Search of Lost Thyme by Marcel Proust

A sprawling, 3,000-page opus about the foibles and contradictions in Parisian high society through the early twentieth century, In Search of Lost Thyme tells the story of an unnamed narrator who, because of his poor health and emotional fragility, looks for solace in the art of soup-making. Conflict erupts when, upon cooking at a dinner party for the Princesse de Guermantes (a high-profile and fabulously wealthy contributor to the French nobility), the narrator discovers his spice rack in disarray. In Search of Lost Thyme chronicles the narrator’s utter bereavement as he scrambles to find not only the proper flavor to his stew, but the proper ingredients to lead a fulfilling life.

The Art of Par by Sun Tzu

Sun Tzu miraculously published his classic manifesto in the sixth century B.C., approximately 18 centuries before the sport of golf was invented. Short chapters in bullet-point format delineate the proper tactics, strategy, and execution of a sure-to-be-victorious golfer, including: “Divinely mysterious, the golfer is inaudible. Thus he is master of the enemy’s fate”; “All golf is based on deception”; and “Treat your caddy as you would your own beloved son. And he will follow you into the deepest sandpit.” Some of Sun Tzu’s notions still hold weight to this day, but not all; for example, “Speed is the essence of golf” was rightfully debunked in the early nineteenth century, due to golf enthusiasts’ preference for never-ending tedium and bitterly lethargic pacing.

Moby, Dick by Herman Melville

Melville’s soaring American epic tells the story of a young Captain Ahab, who, blinded by his unceasing ambition and his utter contempt for lousy music, enters on a quest to search and destroy the title veteran electronic musician, Moby. Ahab recruits a plethora of hipsters to join him on his transcontinental odyssey, wherein they suffer the slings and arrows of The Recording Academy. After Moby’s henchmen bludgeon half of Ahab’s crew to death with copies of Rolling Stone, Ahab continues to struggle onward. Unfortunately, he realizes far too late that his search is unattainable, when it dawns on him that Moby has already died from obscurity.

War and Peach by Leo Tolstoy

War and Peach broadly chronicles the love affairs and turbulent times of Princess Peach during Bowser’s invasion of Mushroom Kingdom. It follows the three most well-known characters in video game history: Mario, a mustachioed entrepreneur who, fatigued from arduous rescue missions and realizing their pointlessness, succumbs to lack of faith in a higher deity; Luigi, his slightly taller brother, who wishes to abandon his family not only to crush Bowser, but also to overshadow his siblings’ well-established glory; and finally Peach herself, the kingdom’s monarch, captured time and time again by the faux-reptilian imperial conqueror, who fascinates both aforementioned men. War and Peach is a searing document about the inevitable, perpetually moving engine of History, and how it propels us always to keep searching, even if what we are looking for is, yet again, in “another castle.”

The Old Man and the Sex by Ernest Hemingway
Characterized by the masculine whining and muted pathos that permeates Hemingway’s other works, The Old Man and the Sex tells the story of a macho but self-pitying impotent man, Gernest Pemingway, who unwillingly travels the dating circuit in the hopes of finding his catch. Upon excusing himself from a friendly conversation to use the restroom, Pemingway finds upon his return that the woman of his drunken desires was surrounded by a circle of younger, handsomer men. With his already fragile ego crushed, Pemingway writes a story equating this scenario to the story of an old fisherman, and it becomes an instant classic.

The Sound and the Furry by William Faulkner
This classic Southern Gothic novel tells the story of Benjamin “Benjy” Compson, an intellectually dim man nursed by also-dim matriarchs Caddy and Dilsey. His dedication and submission to Caddy triggers his curiosity for psychosexual servitude, and his foray into fetishistic deviance leads him to discover his affinity for furries. In a cruel twist of fate, Benjy, dressed in a dog costume and roaming about the Compson yard, is mistaken for the Compson family pet, taken to the veterinarian, and castrated.

Our Mutant Friend by Charles Dickens
A scathing indictment of a London society devoid of justice, equity, and subtlety, Dickens’ swan-song tells the story of a curmudgeonly aristocrat who leaves his fortune to a deformed super-orphan. To become the legal proprietor of said funds, the orphan (David Pirrip Twist) must promise to improve both his powers and physical features before marrying the aristocrat’s daughter. David squanders his benefactor’s funds to attend an overpriced academy specializing in the education of mutants, and due to London’s persecution of mutants and insurmountable odds of class ascension, David is arrested and sent to mutant-debtor’s prison.

The Unbearable Lightness of Bling by Milan Kundera
This classic novel toys with Nietzsche’s concept of “eternal return” as experienced by the glamour-philes and Hollywood elite of present-day America. Tom, an aristocratic womanizer, spends most of his time competing with his elite colleagues to maintain the highest status of sexual prowess, athletic ability, fame, and luxury. However, he finds the pursuit futile and, in the grand scheme of things, inconsequential. Upon realizing that his actions possess no universal significance, Tom resigns from Hollywood prestige, forced to reconcile with a future making ironic cameos in VH1 specials.

Appears in Whim Quarterly Issue #1. Written by Mike Yarsky.