Elliott’s Conclusion:
Brock, I agree with your suspicions that there is a derelict living in your building. I would refrain from speaking to him or allowing him to use your bathroom when he’s “on break” (which is always). Don’t use this as an excuse not to give him a Christmas tip, though. Doormen never forget that.

I still find your understanding of Slovakian culture to be abysmal, however. Our only recourse is a trip to Slovakia itself so we can experience the truth firsthand. I’ll start looking for cheap flights from JFK to the Slovakiacity International Airport (Slovakiacitymetalbirdnestplace).

Brock’s Conclusion:
Sounds great! There’s a slight tingling in my spine, which I can only assume means I’m starting to feel the Slovakiocity! I’ll hit the currency exchange and get us some Slovakians, though getting a three-meter solid chrome effigy of Ivan Bella, the first Slovak in space past airport metal detectors may present a challenge.

Either way, when we get to Slovakia, let’s visit Ivan Reitman’s boyhood home. Apparently, he was born there.

AGREED!

CORRECTION: Bratislava is the capital of Slovakia and the currency used there is the Euro. If you have any information as to the whereabouts of Brock Mahan or Elliott Kalan, email: missingwriters@whimquarterly.com.

Elliott’s Opening Statement:
Americans get a bad rap from foreigners just because we don’t know every little detail about their boring, insignificant little countries. But we can’t get defensive about it. The fact is, as citizens of the world (as well as the only country with the cojoñes to blow the rest of the planet off the map if we feel like it) it’s up to us to educate ourselves about the global situation.

Unfortunately, this means hashing out the answers to a lot of tough questions involving exotic cultures, unfamiliar geography, and food that looks icky. One of those questions faces us today: Brock and I can’t agree on the capital of Slovakia.

This is foolish, of course, because the capital of Slovakia is Slovakia City. That’s just how capitals work. Kansas City, Kansas. New York City, New York. Brasilia, Brazil–which is Portuguese for “Brazil City”. Sometimes places leave off the “City” part, like Luxembourg, Luxembourg, but when your country has a name like Slovakia you want to pretty it up a little.

It’s always possible that the name is in the Slovak language, which I imagine smooshes words together, much like the Slovaks themselves smoosh every part of the pig into the blood sausage delicacy jaternice. In that case, the capital would be Slovakiacity, which is a great name because it fits perfectly in the tourism ad campaign I just came up with: “Slovakia — Feel the Slovakiocity!” Doesn’t it make you want to buy a ticket to Slovakiacity right now?

Not only does Slovakiacity have a great name, but I’m sure it’s a lovely capital, from the marble halls of the Slovakian legislature (Slovakialegislatureplace) to the nightspots of downtown and Little Estonia. Truly, it is one of Europe’s greatest capitals, ranking only behind England City, Franceville, Cittá Italiano, Germansburg, Russiatown, and Greekopolis.

Brock’s Opening Statement:
Frankly, I don’t see what the debate is. A definitive answer to this question can be easily found through research. As such, I tracked down a primary source: my doorman, Anton. An émigré from Slovakia, I spoke at length with Anton in his native tongue regarding his homeland. What follows is based on our conversation. Keep in mind that some specific details may have been lost in translation because I don’t know Slovak. I did, however, take very thorough notes as to the noises (mostly guttural) and hand gestures (choppy) that Anton made.

As best I understand it, the capital of Slovakia is the Slovakian. These are figurines die-cast in the likeness of famous countrymen like St. Gorazd and General Ján Golian that can be exchanged for goods and services. Obviously, the quality of said goods/services depend on the quantity, size and composition of the Slovakian. The most commonly trafficked figurines are two-inch tall pewter renderings of parachute inventor Stefan Banic. Small enough to comfortably fit in a pocket, Banics are generally used to purchase household goods: toiletries, food stuffs, potable water, etc.

Anton took a moment here to stress (short, heavy hand-chops, as if cleaving a chicken) that parents must not leave Banics lying about, as they present a choking hazard for young children.

Anyway, Anton trailed off after that, saying he had little experience with large denomination Slovakians, as back in his village, he was so adept at seducing wealthy old widow that he never had to pay for anything personally. He ended by saying that once, as a boy, he woke up the morning after losing a tooth to find that Bohuslav the Enamel Harvester (the Slovak equivalent of the Tooth Fairy) had left a 6-inch, silver plated statuette of hockey great Stan Mikita under his pillow. Interesting guy.

Elliott’s Rebuttal to Brock’s Nonsense
Wait… what? You think the capital of Slovakia is a series of tiny metal figurines (smallmetalmanstatueskas) of famous Slovaks? I can understand a desire to celebrate great men like composer Eugene Sucho, Robin Hood-like outlaw Juraj Jánosík, and Academy Award-winning director Ján Kadár, but there’s no way a major metropolis could be made up of tiny figurines. Where would people live? Inside the statues? How could anyone fit in there?

Also, think of the trouble their post office would have if, say, I wanted to mail some jaternice to my cousin Mikulás, a politician representing Slavs Vegas in the Slovakialegislatureplace? How would I address it?

Mikulás Kalan
Stan Mikita Slovakian
Slovakia

None of this makes sense. Is it possible you mistranslated “capital” meaning the official seat of government as “capital” meaning wealth or currency?

Either way, the area still needs its own name. I say it’s Slovakiacity.

Brock’s Rejoinder to Elliott’s Claptrap Bunkum
Elliott, not only is it possible I mistranslated, it’s probable. What’s even more probable is that Anton was screwing with me. Going over his story again, there’s a lot that doesn’t add up. For instance, I don’t know how the women in Slovakia rate, but I have a hard time believing someone with Anton’s facial features could woo even the loneliest of widows. The guy always looks like he’s just gone three rounds with Slovak welterweight and 1948 Olympic gold medalist Július Torma.

Come to think of it, my building didn’t even have a doorman until Anton started hanging out in the vestibule. He doesn’t have a uniform and he’s never once opened the door for me. He does sign my Fresh Direct packages, but when I get them, they’ve been opened and there are bite makes on all the produce.

Perhaps I should propose a new Point/Counterpoint topic: Is there a drifter squatting in my lobby?

CONCLUSION
In which Elliott and Brock make token concessions to the other’s argument, while remaining fundamentally unchanged as to the validity of their own rhetoric.

Elliott: Brock, I agree with your suspicions that there is a derelict living in your building. I would refrain from speaking to him or allowing him to use your bathroom when he’s “on break” (which is always). Don’t use this as an excuse not to give him a Christmas tip, though. Doormen never forget that.

I still find your understanding of Slovakian culture to be abysmal, however. Our only recourse is a trip to Slovakia itself so we can experience the truth firsthand. I’ll start looking for cheap flights from JFK to the Slovakiacity International Airport (Slovakiacitymetalbirdnestplace).

Brock: Sounds great! There’s a slight tingling in my spine, which I can only assume means I’m starting to feel the Slovakiocity! I’ll hit the currency exchange and get us some Slovakians, though getting a three-meter solid chrome effigy of Ivan Bella, the first Slovak in space past airport metal detectors may present a challenge.

Either way, when we get to Slovakia, let’s visit Ivan Reitman’s boyhood home. Apparently, he was born there.

AGREED!

CORRECTION: Bratislava is the capital of Slovakia and the currency used there is the Euro. If you have any information as to the whereabouts of Brock Mahan or Elliot Kalan, email: missingwriters@whimquarterly.com.

The Issue at Stake: Should Dogs Be Allowed to Vote?

Elliott: Dogs. Man’s best friend. We let these noble animals sleep in our homes, eat our food and perform simulated intercourse on our legs. They have contributed immeasurably to our arts and culture, whether by being photographed in human clothing, being painted playing cards or being filmed saving children in peril. And yet, dogs, no matter how well behaved they are, cannot vote in local or federal elections. This must be rectified.

I believe that any well-behaved dog should be able to vote, as well as hold office and manage campaigns. A well- trained dog should have no problem understanding the complex issues of politics today, just as they understand that they must keep off the sofa in the living room. You may ask how can we tell which dogs are well-behaved and which aren’t? There are the obvious signs, of course. If a dog is unkempt in appearance, smelly in odor, or bites you, then it is safe to say that he is poorly trained and must be escorted from the polling place so that he can be humanely murdered. In addition, all dogs attempting to vote will have to prove their behavior by performing a trained act, such as retrieving a poll worker’s slippers. This Poll trick will remove all doubt as to whether the dog can make his voice heard. Metaphorically, that is. All well-mannered dogs bark only when commanded to.

If I sound personally invested in this issue, it’s because I am. I own a beautiful German Shepherd named Fuzzy Wumpkin and I have no doubt he has the discipline to vote. He knows that there is a time for Frisbee-throwing fun, but there is also a time to keep it down, because the neighbors are complaining. And he does keep it down. Fuzzy Wumpkin, like all well-behaved dogs, has a place in this great, small-d democratic process of ours. Yes he does. Oh yes he does. Doesn’t my Fuzzy Wumpkin deserve the vote? Doesn’t my Fuzzy Wumpkin deserve the vote? Yes he does!

Brock: Let me start by saying that the topic of this debate insults my intelligence. Any able-minded person knows that the right to vote should not be extended to well-behaved dogs. It should be extended to all dogs. By only granting voting rights to well-behaved dogs, are we not just practicing dog segregation? What if I were to suggest that only well-behaved black people should be allowed to vote? You’d call me a racist. and you know what? You’d be right. I am a proponent of universal dog suffrage. One dog, one vote. No exceptions.

After all, who is to decide what behavior is considered good? Society says my dog is bad because he tunnels under the fence in my backyard and roams the neighborhood unsupervised. I say he’s a good dog because he values his freedom and is willing to do whatever it takes to escape the oppression of his leash and collar. Society says my dog is bad because he attacks the mailman. I say he’s a good dog because he isn’t afraid to confront authority, no matter what uniform it may wear. Society says my dog is bad because he soils the carpet in the lobby of my building. I begrudgingly agree with society here, but only because I’m the one who has to pay to get the carpet cleaned. Were there a cleaning service that accepted payment in chew toys or small, freshly killed forest creatures, then I say let my dog hike his leg up and micturate on whatever he likes, as he has wealth enough to pay for his urinary indiscretions one hundred times over.

My point is one man’s bad dog is another man’s man’s best friend. After all, what was George Washington to the British if not a dog that simply refused to be housebroken? Let me conclude by quoting Doctor Martin Luther King, Jr., “arf, arf.” Doctor Martin Luther King, Jr. is what I named my dog to prove to everyone i’m not a racist.

Elliott’s Rebuttal to Brock’s Nonsense: The risks are too great in letting all dogs vote. I estimate there are 400 million dogs in this country. 390 million of which are, by my standards, bad dogs. Yes, I have very high standards. Some might call me a dog snob. But then, I am a former Westminster Kennel club show judge.

The point is bad dogs would immediately run this country. Their likely first course of action would be deregulation of the Snausage industry. Treats would no longer go to the most deserving dogs, but merely to those who begged the loudest. Ronald Reagan warned us about welfare queens, but what about welfare bitches? Bottom line: I hope you like rabies. Because if all dogs can vote, our next president will have them.

Brock’s Rejoinder to Elliott’s Claptrap Bunkum: We have nothing to fear about electing a chief executive with rabies. One of our greatest presidents, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, had polio and what is that, if not rabies for people? Also, Grover Cleveland had mange, yet that didn’t keep him from serving two non-consecutive terms and snagging a hot, 21-year old First Lady.

Finally, Elliott, you have no one but yourself to blame as to why you are a FORMER Westminster judge. The handbook states that decisions are to be made on the basis of a dog’s musculature, gait, color/sheen of its coat and temperament, not on how good it looks in costume. Just because a bloodhound has a deerstalker cap tied to its head doesn’t mean it deserves a trophy.

Conclusion
In which Elliott and Brock make token concessions to the other’s argument, while remaining fundamentally unchanged about the validity of their own rhetoric.

Elliott: Brock, I admire your idealism and your uncompromising nature. However, I refuse to believe that any dog is well-behaved enough to sniff the ass of voting rights, unless that dog is wearing a top hat and monocle. No matter what those douches at Westminster think.

Brock: Elliott, although the chances of it happening are very slim, I admit that it would be a national tragedy if the president died of rabies. That said, I feel the building association should have to pay to clean the carpets MLK, Jr. soils, not me. Why am I paying these outrageous common charges if not to have stuff like this taken care of?

AGREED!